Chick-a-lodeon

New Year Incoming

2011-11-27T11:41:00.002+08:00

2011 is coming to a close soon. Well, to be exact, in another month's time. Sticking to Chick-a-lodeon's tradition, it's time to evaluate past Resolutions and make new ones for the new year. That's the least I should do, seeing I haven't posted a single thing other than my Resolutions post for the whole of 2011.

For 2010, I resolved to achieve 3 things.
1) Love
2) A car
3) Do great work

I achieved 2 & 3. And I had a crush on a gay. Totally failed on no.1

I had bigger dreams for 2011.
1) Love
2) 40% total income saved
3) Gain 5kg, work out 2-3X weekly
4) Start writing a book
5) A house
6) Promotion & increment
7) Love my neighbour
8) Keep things simple & real
9) Stay present

I'm happy to say I somewhat achieved 6 out of the 9.

Most people have stopped calling me skinny, and people who know me tell me I've put on weight. Appetite's great plus I love to eat. And I can safely say, I work out bout... once a week? To me, that's a passable no.3 achieved. I haven't started writing a book (ambitious much?) but I have started on short stories. And I've gained confidence in my writing. A fellow writer commented I should write a book. Another (whom I admire) said I was a good writer. I have a long way to go, but now at least I can stop going in reverse. It's time to move forwards. =) And so, no.4 - passably achieved.

A house - achieved, with help from my parents. Valuable lesson learned: life is not always about going solo. We give what we can, and we receive what is given. Be grateful and cherish the love, because that's what really matters in life.

7, 8 and 9 - achieved. And more to learn. It seems that this year, I've grown more spiritually than materially. And that's just fab!

No.2's out the window. I treated myself too well for that this year. Oops.

No. 6's out too. Company's got major changes and not doing well. But I still love it here and I want to stay.

That leaves no.1, and that's complicated. I have once again fallen in love with the wrong man. The good news is, I CAN fall in love.

So what's 2012's resolutions? Let's take some time to plan. We have a month, after all. And roughly, I need:

1) A husband
2) An increment
3) Write a book
4) A religion
5) Current home makeover
6) Travel
7) Contribute to society

There. Now to refine to measurable terms.

My New Year's Resolution 2011

2010-12-31T04:10:00.005+08:00

31 December 2010

So here it is in measurable terms:

1) Will say yes to every social outing I am invited to and actively search for boy friend, who has potential to become boyfriend.

2) Save up 40% of total annual income for the year.

3) Gain another 5kg in weight and work out 2-3 times a week.

4) Start writing a book.

5) Start looking for actual ideal house.

6) Get promotion and 25% increment by year end.

7) Love my neighbour more.

8) Keep things simple and real.

That's it. 2010, it's been fun and a great learning experience.

2011, I can't wait to achieve new milestones and breakthroughs with you.

Happy New Year everyone. May you be enlightened about the things you really desire in your life and be blessed with the courage to pursue it.

2011 Resolutions Framework

2010-12-27T23:45:00.005+08:00

27 December 2010

Getting closer and closer to the New Year now. And I still haven't set out my resolutions. So I've decided to work out a resolutions-framework. And refine it from there.

1) Money - Well, there's definitely gonna be money involved. I need to set aside for holidays, retirement, insurance and for a...

2) House - Not just any home on the outskirts of Serdang, but a proper eco-friendly, lakeside, gated tropical-resort-kind. Those that cost a hefty bit. But that's what I want and that's what I need to save for. Maybe I won't get it this year or the next, but it will be mine soon enough.

3) Man - oh, hell ya I damn well deserve a hot man in 2011.

4) Book - Been thinking it for a couple of years now.. I think it's time to get started. Let's write a book!

5) Bodacious - That's what I'll be allocating more of my time on. Getting ultra-fit and a body that rocks.

6) Love - This year I learned a lot of things. And I achieved a lot spiritually, of which I am most proud of. I resolve to continue to love myself and to treat myself with respect.

7) Happiness - I deserve it.

8) Generosity - I am grateful for the things I have received in my life, and for the enlightenment that has come to me. And so, I want to be a better person, a better neighbour and a better friend.

9) Being present - Open up my heart and just love life, every day.

Next step: To refine my resolutions into measurable milestones to be achieved in 2011.

You see, war is not the answer. only love can conquer hate

You know we've got to find a way, to bring some lovin' here today

It's time for resolutions again

2010-12-14T05:10:00.003+08:00

14 December 2010

2011 is round the corner, a time for new resolutions again. I love resolutions! New plans to make, new promises to self, new benchmarks to achieve.

What do I resolve for 2011?

What do you want?

2010-11-18T00:11:00.002+08:00

One of life's most important question:

What do you want?

2010 resolutions achieved

2010-09-11T19:21:00.003+08:00

11 September 2010, 7.30pm

It's September, three months away from 2011 but the usual "rethinking of life" feelings are coming to me already. I'm used to my ups and downs now, so I know the best way to benchmark where I really am in life is to ignore my present emotions and instead do a little comparison with my 2010 new year resolutions.

So what did I set out to achieve this year? Well, I quote:

"So following our yearly traditions here at Repressed, here are my new year's resolutions:

1) Love - I'm going to fall in love this year
2) Car - Gonna own my first ride.. THIS year! Yeah, baby
3) Work - Gonna come up with some good shit too, no, wait, make that great shit"

Did I achieve what I set out to do?

Love - I did fall for the stupidest guy. Well, its still one resolution achieved. Next round, I'll remember to name specifics & standards!
Car - You bet. Got my own ride now.. and got an unexpected windfall all because of it. Won't go into details here though.
Work - Well.. I did come up with some great lines for a campaign which I'm proud of. Unfortunately, things at work have been going a little downhill since then.

All in all, I achieved all I set out to do. And the year isn't even over yet. Proves 2 things:

1) Life is never as crappy as we think it is.
2) When we set out clear goals, we're likely to achieve it.

What's next? Getting ready a new set of goals, of course.

So what do I really want now?

Happy Day

2010-07-29T20:09:00.003+08:00

29 July 2010, 8.15pm

Today I feel... GOOD

I just need to tell myself that its ok to feel good.

I don't have to be guilty about that.

Or expect to feel down just because my memories tell me that what comes up, must come down.

I should just be.

Happy.

Missing You, I Must Be Crazy

2010-07-28T21:11:00.002+08:00

28 July 2010, 9.15pm

I miss you. There I said it. Can I put this behind me now?

What sucks is I keep wondering if you miss me too. And I think I know the answer, but I keep hoping otherwise.

Waiting for the call that'll never come.

Really Good Advice & Positivity

2010-07-27T21:00:00.002+08:00

How often have we heard someone say something bad about the management, complain about how rotten they have been treated and how they hate the way things just aren't the same anymore, and we just agree and add a few more jibes for good measure?

It's times like these that we just add to the negativity of a situation that may not be negative in the first place. How we look at a situation is very important. A positive outlook can turn any situation into a positive situation. What is just as important is our good advice that we give so that the people around us are also kept positive, and we can go with the flow from there.

I am guilty of not giving good advice. Today even. I should have made my stand. What I thought were worthless comments that came out of my mouth, actually meant something to others. They actually made an impact on how the people around me felt and responded. It was quite frightening. I realise now that whatever I say or do... matters. Because people are constantly listening and looking for advice and feedback. This is the way we gauge our situations, where we stand and what to do next. With good feedback and advice, that's when good decisions happen.

GOOD ADVICE & POSITIVITY can make a situation turn 360 degrees.

I must make my positive voice heard. Shut the negativity down.

One More Kick. Please.

2010-07-03T19:47:00.004+08:00

4 July 2010, 7.50pm

Boy, I've got it bad.
It hurts when I think of you.
Why couldn't I fall in love with an angel?
Instead I've fallen for you.
You're so bad.
Bad for me.
You'll love me and leave me.
Just like you did the rest.
You're a devil in disguise.
Don't you feel anything?
Do you feel love?
Why are you like this?
But it's my fault.
It's my bad.
Because I see you for who you are.
But I can't leave.

You're so dangerous.
Like a cigarette.
Like booze.
You're an addiction.
You are like a sweet poison.
I just can't get enough of.
Yet I just can't help it.
I lose control.
Whenever I'm around you.

You've walked off now.
I can see your back from the distance.
And I know how bad you are for me.
I see the hole you've left me.
Here in my heart.
And I can't believe the only feeling I'm left with.
Is the hope.
That you will turn around.
And come back to me.

One more kick to the curb,
Maybe that's what I'll need to finally move on.

I Lose Control

2010-07-03T19:09:00.004+08:00

4 July 2010, 7.10pm

I'm sorry I've taken the laughter out of us.
I've become hard and unyielding.
I can't seem to go with the flow.
You brought out the green-eyed monster in me.
And I can't control who I am.
When I'm with you,
I want you so much.
I want you all to myself.
But maybe I don't know how to love you.
I'm clumsy, careless,
angry and stupid.
But only to you.
Only you see this side of me.
Because, honey, you make me lose control.
My world turns upside down.
When I'm by your side.

Please see that all I want is to love you.
Can't you love me too?

Reach Out To Me

2010-07-03T18:54:00.003+08:00

4 July 2010, 7.00pm

Let me tell you, boy.
I could turn your world around.
I could be the one to fly you to the moon.
I could be the one true love who'll never leave you.
Who'd never doubt you.
Who'd love you just as you are.
Who'd be by your side day and night.
My love can't be bought.
If you want it, it is unconditional.
It will be our parachute when we fall.
If you'd take that first step, and reach out to me.
Because I don't know how to reach out to you.

Boy, please reach out to me.

I love... I don't love...

2010-07-03T18:43:00.003+08:00

Go with the flow. Don't go against the current.

If the answer is yes, and you get all you've ever wanted. Then good.

If the answer is no, and you lose everything you wish you could have. Then don't cry. You learned something new.

I just want you to know, that we could be great together. You and me. I wouldn't look around for someone new. I would love you the way you are.

I love your voice.
I love your laugh.
I love how you make me laugh.
I love how you always try.
I love how you make my heart skip.
I love how you're vulnerable at times.
I love how you know when I'm happy or down.
I love how you make me talk.
I love how you make me feel.

I don't love how you go around with other girls.
I don't love how you hide me away.
I don't love how you treat me unkind at times.
I don't love how you stop calling.
I don't love how you don't tell me you love me.
I don't love that I don't know where I stand.
I don't love that you break my heart.
I don't love that you don't care.
I don't love that you don't share.
I don't love how you make me feel.

Why do I continue to hope when the answer is clear? I am a fool for love.

Hurts like F*ck

2010-06-22T20:32:00.004+08:00

Tuesday, 22 June 2010

You are hurting me. Why can't you just leave me alone! Then I won't have to keep hoping. My heart soars just to fall down again and hit floor with twice the force.

It hurts. This is not a game. Quit playing games with my heart.

Man, I'm cheesy.

Emo

2010-06-03T21:36:00.002+08:00

Without being emo:

You blow hot-cold

You're insecure

You don't have what it takes to understand me

You don't deserve me

Nobody's Fool

2010-06-03T21:26:00.003+08:00

You asked me to do that contest together with you, and when I said yes, you pulled away.

You'd call me, and tell me I was the last in your list.

You'd share a laugh with me, then share it with everyone else.

You'd say you love me, then turn around and say it to someone else.

She was special before I came. Then I came, and I took her place. Now another one appears, and she is me. Now I'm nothing.

Just admit it. I'm nothing to you but you like me stringing along. I've got news for you. I'm nobody's fool. I'd rather be lonely than suffer a broken heart. Again.

I Won't Be

2010-06-03T20:53:00.002+08:00

I'm angry at you because I feel vulnerable. I know you won't be there, the minute I turn around and say yes. Your heart will turn into stone and then you'll throw mine onto the floor. To you, I'm just something you keep around to feel secure. I won't be another of your toys.

You're so stupid. Because

All I really wanna do is love you,
A kind much closer than friends use

And all I really want for you is to feel me,
As the feeling inside keeps building

But I won't find my way to you. Even if it kills me. Because you don't care. You aren't ready. We could have been great. But you aren't ready.

Maybe there's a life I'll miss in case I'm wrong. But what makes you think you're worth me waiting around for you? Did you ever ever make it clear to me you'd like me to? No, because you want me to hang around you like I'm another of your toys.

I can give so much if only you'd see I could be the one. But you can't and I won't stand around and wait until you do. I'll be gone.

Come out of the closet

2010-04-20T00:43:00.001+08:00

I think you should come out of the closet. Why lie to yourself and everyone around you?

I Hate PMS

2010-04-20T00:35:00.003+08:00

20 April 2010, 12.40am

No matter how many times I go through it, I still can't control myself each time it happens. I HATE PMS!!!

I'm not a psycho-bitch. I'm just pms-ing.

I LOVE YOU, MOM =)

2010-04-12T23:53:00.001+08:00

12 March 2010, 11.55pm

Believe in Love

2010-04-12T22:55:00.003+08:00

People aren't as complicated as we think they are. Look deeply into their dark side and we'll see that it all stems from weakness - insecurity, anger, fear, rejection and loneliness. Look even deeper. Past the darkest, darkest clouds, and we'll find that underneath it all, all there ever was is love that is waiting to believe, to be given and to be received.

Regardless of what comes, I choose to believe. Because I want to believe in the best of us.

12 April 2010, 11.50pm

Is physical attraction enough to sustain a long-term relationship?

2010-04-04T23:19:00.003+08:00

Before this river,
Becomes an ocean,
Before you throw my heart back on the floor
Oh baby I reconsider,
My foolish notion,
Well I need someone to hold me,
But I'll wait for something more

Cos I gotta have faith.

Song: Faith
Sung by: George Michael

NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE SALE & THE TARGET AUDIENCE

2010-03-18T20:38:00.001+08:00

This shall be your mantra from hence forth...

My Work is Important, Dammit!

2010-03-18T20:25:00.003+08:00

How important your work is in the scope of the organisation, should be self-given. Others who are only looking in may be unaware of your responsibilities and the skill that is required to do your kind of work. So when people fail to understand, DO NOT let that affect you. Stand firm, be gracious, allow them room to learn in their own time, but BELIEVE in yourself.

You know, YOU KNOW, for a fact that what you do is important. What you do can persuade, change minds, shape new beliefs and seal deals. And what you know, is all that matters. Don't ever doubt yourself, stay strong and work hard towards your goal.

Hey, words sell, okay? You just make things look pretty.

What to do when you can't get along with your boss

2010-03-18T18:55:00.004+08:00

What do you do when sparks fly every time you come in contact with your boss? And not in a good way. You just seem to rub each other in the wrong way all the time, even over trifling things.

1) Be open about each others views
The older we get, the more stuck we are in our beliefs and opinions. And that's why it gets harder to accept each others views. But working together smoothly means having to listen to each others ideas, opinions and concerns, and being able to come to a solution that makes everyone happy. Especially the client (we tend to forget that sometimes!).

So the next time you feel like shooting down an idea/opinion, remember to take a step back, understand where he's coming from, then voice your concern. But speak up only when there's a reason to, don't do it just to make your presence felt. Also remember one important thing. He is the boss, not you!

2) Remember that he is human
Just because he's the boss, doesn't mean he is automatically endowed with power to solve everything and be the master of the universe! He's human. He makes mistakes, he has an ego and he has his own insecurities about his capabilities too. So don't be judgmental. If you think you're better than him, then do his job! But if you can't do even 50% of what he can, then don't even start.

3) Don't be afraid to speak up
People value opinions because constructive opinions can improve an idea. But only if it's constructive. If you have a valid opinion, speak up and your boss will value your input. In time, will come respect.

Never be afraid to speak up because that will hinder your own growth and learning process. It also contributes nothing to your work.

4) Be honest and direct
When you are honest about your objectives, there is nothing to fear about what you say or do. It is usually out of guilt and dishonesty that fear arises. E.g. not finishing your work on time, missing deadlines and then blaming your boss for bad management.

5) Never worry about what your colleagues think even though you know they are listening in
You hang out with them, eat lunch with them, but remember, your career is your priority. And your boss is who you answer to. Colleagues make you feel accepted, but it is only when you excel at your job that you will gain self-satisfaction as well as respect from your work-mates.

At the end of the day, it is you whom you need to face when it comes to what you have achieved in life. So 5 years from now, do you want to be someone who says and does something that you believe is right, or a puppet, who speaks and does things to gain acceptance from others?

6) Your boss probably wants to get along with you too
If he's the one who interviewed you before you were hired, it means he saw something in you when you met. He saw in you a person he could work well with. If things don't work out, he would likely be disappointed at himself for having made a wrong decision then.

Try your best to be a team-player. Not the one who deliberately goes against the grain. That will not help the already strained relationship.

7) Allow yourself to fall back and take a breather
There will be times when you feel like you're finally giving up. Maybe you had a bad day, he had a rotten one, someone played a song you both hate, the scorching heat fried your tempers, or the stars were just all wrong, and you clashed. You want to give up, throw in the towel...

Take the day off. So, you won't win Ms Perfect Employee of the year. But you do what gets you through in the long run. Fall 'sick' and take the day off to reflect, recharge and come back with a vengeance.. to reconcile, of course. This time, you know better and things will get better.

8) You are allowed to not get things right the first time round
This applies to everything. The trick is to not give up and try again. Till you get it right.

9) Look within yourself and ask, "What is it about me I can improve?"
Everybody has their own little idiosyncrasies. You can't change others but you can change your own. So if you can, change yours. Or at least, manage it. Personally, I need to work on being less sensitive to criticism, being less judgmental and being a team-player. Also, learning to give a shit about other people. Give a shit, dammit!

10) And lastly, GET A LIFE!
Work is not the only thing in your life. It is part of your life. It is what you do to pay the bills. If your soul isn't getting fed enough, well, get that done in church! Don't bring that shit into the workplace! And don't expect your job to be the answer to life's problems.

So pick up a hobby, find a partner or a f*ckbuddy and complete what you need to keep yourself satisfied, happy and sane. Life is far, FAR larger than your job. Take a step back, take a deep breath and you'll see that you were worrying over nothing after all.

=) Have a great day at work!

What do you do when you have no work at work?

2010-03-18T18:25:00.006+08:00

What can a person do at work when there's no work, and too much time to kill?

1) Facebook
Check on your crops, your cafe, your island... your kitchen sink, literally, and update your status for the tenth time that "I'm bored!=(((", and hopefully, your boss, who also happens to be your FB friend, will read it and get the hint.

2) Twitter
Same as FB, just transfer all your status updates here.

3) Read a book
At least you'll have continuous learning and your brain rots slower. And, it'll still keep you in management's 'good books' cos it makes you look hardworking and 'willing to learn'. That's if, it's worth your while to keep in management's good books. A management that gives you no work. Or has no work to give.

4) Take a long, slow walk to the pantry and refill your cup with water every 30 minutes
May as well keep your sagging arse in shape while you loaf.

5) Take a long dump in the loo
Constipated? Never fear. Nothing like sitting on the bowl for half an hour to cajole the cake out of your buns. Better than sitting like a lump at your desk, with toxins in your body.

6) Sneak downstairs for a teh tarik with your buddies
And trash talk your company for having NO WORK.

7) Or just shut up and be happy your company's paying for your car, your daily three meals and your new flower vintage top
Yeah, and do some free lance since you're so free, ya lazy bum!

I used to complain I had too much work. Now I bitch when I have none. I can be such a bitch.

Finally

2010-03-05T01:07:00.002+08:00

There might have been a time,
I would give myself away,
Once upon a time,
I didn't give a damn.

I finally feel beautiful
Finally, I love myself
Finally, I believe in myself
Finally, I can live my life
I finally can be happy
Truly

True Beauty Comes From Within

2010-03-01T01:06:00.003+08:00

You can change the clothes you wear, chop all your hair off, dye it red, get a complete makeover from M.A.C. or go for a 5 mile run, but real change must come from within. When you are healed completely inside and weakness turns to strength, that strength will shine outwards. And then you realise, true beauty is not physical or superficial, but something you just feel deep inside you.

Places to meet eligible men (According to various on-line sources)

2010-02-27T15:31:00.008+08:00

1) Gym
There is a myth that 50% of gym men or most of the good looking ones are gay. We'll see.

2) Walk the dog
In this country?

3) Wine-tasting club
Actually this sounds pretty good. But will they be men with class or drunkards?

4) Grocery shop late at night or Saturday evening
Weird... but strangely logical. May work.

5) Intellectual venues: art exhibitions, philharmonic orchestra, local performing arts shows
Broaden one's horizons while waiting to "bump" into the-one.

6) Activities Club e.g. Wall/Rock-climbing club
Pretend to be studying the wall not some hunk's ass. And get a great work out.

7) Social Club e.g. Meetup Club
One thing's assured, everybody's friendly there.

8) Bookstore
Know what he reads, learn how he thinks.

I am not desperate, just a tad lonely.

End of an Era. Dawn of the Phoenix.

2010-02-27T15:28:00.005+08:00

Today Saturday, 27 February 2010, 3.28pm, marks the day Repressed Oriental unrepresses herself and emerges as Chick-a-lodeon. Spread your wings and fly, Chick.

I remember now why I once thought you were a hunk

2010 New Year Resolutions at Repressed

2010-01-01T14:57:00.005+08:00

Happy New Year!!

I haven't written in for a while. Mainly cos I've been so caught up with work and classes. That's a good thing, I suppose. So busy I haven't had time to sit around and feel repressed. I'm happy enough to find a few minutes in between to do a bit of reading.

Quite a lot has happened these few months. All I can say is, I've had a change of mindset.. and I'm starting to get.. oh gee.. really happy.

Work is working out. People are working out. There are just a few more things I need to work towards before I can say, I'm honestly happy with my life.

So following our yearly traditions here at Repressed, here are my new year's resolutions:

1) Love - I'm going to fall in love this year
2) Car - Gonna own my first ride.. THIS year! Yeah, baby
3) Work - Gonna come up with some good shit too, no, wait, make that great shit

2010.. I'm so making you mine!

Cherry Blossoms Bloom in May Part 2

2009-09-25T19:46:00.003+08:00

"Girlfriend. Are you serious about the whole matchmaking thingy with your relatives? I'd rather spend a whole day babysitting my little nephews of terror than go meet someone chosen by a blood relation. Ugh!"

"Thanks, Lis. I'm not exactly thrilled about it either. And to prove it, I just went through two sticks of almond Magnums. And I haven't been able to write a single thing all day. And my deadline's tomorrow, so I'm pretty much screwed."

"I bet he'll turn out to be a pot-bellied, sweaty-palmed momma's boy with a bad comb-over, and he'll be the most boring conversationist ever! Don't do it, May!," her tone turned almost frantic towards the end of her rant.

My eyes rolled as I muttered in acknowledgment. I wasn't surprised by what she said.They were exactly my thoughts. But I should at least give it a try. I am dangerously close to the big 3-0 and still extremely single. If what I've been doing for the past decade hasn't been working; maybe its time to try something new?

And I told her so. She replied,"Look, May. I don't know where this sudden outflow of desperation came from, but its so not you. Don't let them get into your head. What happened to the old May with her ideals on finding 'The One'? On never settling when it comes to love?"

"Old. May. Precisely that. Lately, the days have been whizzing past so fast, I need to consciously calm myself before a wave of panic takes over. Sure, I had ideals when I was 20. I could afford to have ideals. But maybe ideals belong on glossy magazine covers, in between the pages of Mills and Boons, on the sets of Sex and the City, concocted to fool the ordinary citizens with their million dollar budgets and fuckin designer labels sponsors, but NOT in real life where people like you and me slog each day in mundane corporate jobs, and the only men left we get to meet who are not married or gay, usually turn out to be complete arseholes just looking for casual shags in sleazy joints or pervs who troll dating websites to satisfy their creepy hobbies. Well, fuck. I'm lonely, Lis. And if I have to resort to family match-making, then family match-make I will."

Silence. Just as I was about to check if she was still tuning in with a 'hello?', she said,"Lis, not that I have anything against you putting yourself out there. I think that's great. But there is a huge difference between being open to relationships and desperation. And what I smell from you now.. is desperation. And nothing drives men away faster than that. Oh, except deep emotional conversations and bad breath."

Great. After all these years, she decides to make sense now. Perfect...

Cherry Blossoms Bloom in May Part 1

2009-09-20T14:20:00.016+08:00

"Aiya, May, you're not young anymore. Next year, you'll be 30! When are you going to find a man? If you don't find one soon, you'll miss the boat. Everybody will be married, and there will be no good single men left. You'll become a spinster and you'll grow old all alone!"

Sigh. Here goes again. Can't I get through the week without one person reminding me of my age and singlehood? Sure, I'm reaching 30 soon. I think its really funny how I turned 28 less than a year ago and I was already labelled within the 'almost 30 category'. Heck, maybe I should just skip 29 and turn 'almost 30' this November? That's how everyone refers to my age already anyway.

"Aunt Kim, I can't just wave a magic wand and have a handsome man appear in front of me, asking me to marry him. Sometimes its a matter of fate. I just haven't met the right one yet," I replied in exasperation.

"Right one, right one. There is no such thing as the right one. You're too fussy. That's why you're still single. Most important thing is he's rich, has a good career and takes care of you. All this talk about love is all rubbish. Love usually runs out in a marriage after the first year anyway. At most, two years. After that, what really matters is that you have a good, comfortable life when you have your own house, have children and that he gives you enough money to buy the things that you like for yourself. All that love nonsense are just lies and fairytales that make good TV and novels to fool romantics," Aunt Kim retorted.

Maybe she's right. Maybe love in real life will never be like those steamy scenes between Chuck and Blair in 'Gossip Girl' or like how the prince falls in love with Drew Barrymore in 'Ever After', or how the desperate girl actually does get the cute bartender at the end of 'He's just not that into you'. I've probably watched too much TV for my lifetime and am horribly disillusioned.

"I suppose you're right," I said reluctantly.

"Good. Then you'll join me for brunch this Saturday at Penang Village in Hartamas. I'll introduce you to Mrs. Lee, my mahjong kaki and her son. He's single, 40 years old and a GM for a local bank in KL. Stable and got money; the perfect candidate for you. Make sure you look decent! Put on a dress and some make-up. I'll see you at 11am," she finished before hanging up.

Double sigh. Do I have a choice?

Another Day Down The Drain

2009-08-24T20:49:00.004+08:00

I need to get things in order. I NEED to get things in order!

Everything's just all over the place again and I know there is so much that needs to be done. SO MUCH and yet here I am, wasting another day, being totally unproductive.

When will someone come up with a "productive" or "motivational" miracle pill? Something I can just pop into my mouth and that gets me going like Speedy Gonzalez.

Can't Get You Out Of My Head

2009-08-22T19:52:00.009+08:00

This whole week has seriously just been such a family and business week. Going on about my life, attempting to keep my focus and hormones in check. And underneath it all, I've been trying my best to not think about hot boss, which annoyingly, has the exact opposite effect.

Sure, I'll teach you to surf...

Took a day off for a little sun, sea and sand. Pampered myself with a long bath in a hot tub laced with bath salts. Sat facing the sea and surf, watching the sun set in the horizon as I enjoyed the light breeze against my cheek. Sipping a cup of hot tea as I read another chapter off my novel.

And somehow, some crazy fantasy about him and me will just creep into my head and get me all knotted up again.

Damn this crush!!!

He's Still Hot

2009-08-13T23:01:00.006+08:00

Channing Tatum: I knew you were gonna be famous the first time I saw you in She's a Man

As planned, I met up with my hottie with the dazzling smile this week. It was really casual, we just had drinks and a really long chat. Well, he talked a lot about himself. Which is fine with me, since at times, I can't find the darndest thing to say.

Chemistry-wise... I guess mediocre would sum it up. But we do get on quite well although I find myself trying a little hard to make things work. I did promise myself I would try! Anyway, we pretty much parted on the grounds of 'hey! I wouldn't mind doing this again, let me know if you're around the area'... Its alright, just nuthin' really sizzling between us.

Had a little business meeting with my boss today. He's still got that sexy smile and voice. And this time round, he had the nerve to get a little flirty with me. Felt like stuffing him into my handbag and taking him home. Or grabbing his tie and dragging him into the soundproof meeting room and *censored*. But no, I just reminded myself that he's got a girlfriend and that I really should be casting my net wider. Sigh, onwards!!

Uninhibited, Wild Night Out

2009-08-08T02:47:00.008+08:00

Had one of the wildest nights this week that I haven't had in months. There's always that sense of regret the morning after when I wake up with a parched mouth and the shittiest hangover. And then I'll make that promise to myself to never again go out of control with my drink. Months later, it happens all over again.

Boy next door turned sexiest man

I did have quite a bit of fun this time though. Danced and danced til I forgot everything. My only, only boo-boo, was that I flirted a little too much with a friend who's "unavailable". To me it was all good, clean fun (well, as clean as it'll get on a crowded dance floor with heart-pumping music and all inhibitions dissolved by litres of booze). Unfortunately for my friend, he was a little disappointed when I said no to taking it one step further.

On hindsight, I wish I had a little more self-control. But it felt really good to just let myself go that night. Just not thinking at all and being in the moment. It was great. And I'm glad I didn't go one step too far. Yes, my self-respect is still intact! My friend probably isn't feeling too great though.

Anyway, onwards in my quest to finding the right man. Meanwhile, I wish my buddy all the best in his "new life" from hereon.

Over Fling, Moving On

2009-08-01T15:50:00.005+08:00

The fling is over! Thank God! Honestly, I'm still quite surprised how I let myself get involved, and it was a pretty lousy experience. But overall, I'm happy I went through it, because I am now one leap closer to understanding my needs better and knowing what to look for in my ideal partner. To start with, no assholes. Don't know how I could have overlooked that this time round...

And hopefully, no more mistakes on falling in love with the idea of falling in love. No more, baby. This time, I'm going to go with my gut. This time, I'm taking off those rose-tinted glasses and looking deep into his character. And this time, I'm going to take a deep breath, sit back, relax and stop over-thinking every minute detail of what happened and what didn't. I'm surprised I haven't gone insane after these past 2 weeks of headache and obsessing over a jerk. This time, my bad. And.. moving on.

Hot boss has a hot girlfriend so I'm going to put him on KIV list. I can't totally strike him off because he is SO HOT. I love a man who is driven and knows exactly what he wants, and articulates it well. Although I can't have him, for now, the best I can do is be a reliable employee and who knows? Maybe one day, he'll call me up for something more than a business meeting;)

There's another hottie I've spotted and he's got a dazzling smile that reaches up to his eyes. Other than that, I know next to nothing about him. Oh, except that he's single. Ka-ching! And I've got an excuse to meet up with him next week so I'm going to ask him out for a drink. Let's see if I can find out more about him then and ignite a little chemistry between us!

Crush Day #2

2009-07-17T23:10:00.002+08:00

Crush Day #2

Still crushing.. Still spending lots of time gazing into space imagining what we'd do.. and what I'd do (to him) if we were together. I keep telling myself not to waste my precious time with this nonsense since I don't know the first thing about him. He could have a girlfriend, a boyfriend, he could be MARRIED for all I know.

Anyway, its late. Enough is enough. Big half of the day was already spent thinking dirty thoughts on him and I'm not about to spend the remains of today doing the same. Time to log off the internet and put on a movie to get my mind on something else.

Lights off. One thick, hot milo coming up. And its curling up in bed time while I watch Know1ng on my laptop. It's me time...

Attracted To Boss

2009-07-16T21:11:00.005+08:00

Crushes are a total pain in the ass. Completely unnecessary and leads to nowhere except stupid, psychotic round-a-bout thoughts that keep me from being unproductive the whole, damned day.

Anyway, I have a crush on someone. I'm totally attracted to him. Trouble is, he happens to be my boss. Fuck!

Of course, if he did hit on me, I'd pounce on him in an instant. But he's kept it really business-y so I'm trying not to get my hopes high. Shit, but he's got my head in quite a spin... sigh... haven't felt anything for a guy for a long time. It's nice, but it hurts as well. FUCK!

Gorgeous Deluxe Blogger Templates

2009-07-12T18:22:00.007+08:00

Gorgeous Deluxe Templates

Decided to give my blog a brand, new face today. Now and then, I do surf around a bit for a nice new template for my dear "friend", but I'll always end up picking on something or getting bored of the new design and quickly revert back to ol', faithful Minima.

Then I came across Deluxe Template last week and totally fell head over heels for their designs. The have the most gorgeous, prettiest designs I've seen and I've seen a lot of templates, I'll tell ya!

If minimalist, clean designs are more your thing, well, they've got it too! So if you're looking for a new blogger template, head on over to their website. Best blogger template website I've seen so far.

This template is called Solitude

Went through their large variety of templates and finally settled on this one called 'Solitude'. At first, I was a little unsure since I didn't want to get a theme that was so depressing (my blog title is depressing enough).

But in the end, I thought the combination of colours and a singing bird went really well with the 'Oriental' part of my blog title and went ahead with it.

Generally, I like some fanciful colours, but nothing too over-powering that would make my head spin if I stared too long at it. Which is why I chose one with a fancy header but neutral-tones for the body. Makes for easy reading, in my opinion.

Well, only time will tell if I can keep this face on for the long term. I'd hate to revert back to the old look. For one, its totally boring. And two, having to set all my widgets and links all over again is such a pain in the ar$e.

Here are some other templates that really caught my eye:

Paper Wall

Those little notes pinned at the side are so pretty! And I like that the colour scheme of the body is white. Makes for easy reading.

Dusky

Totally liked the colour palette the designer used for this one. Was one of my final few choices before I decided on my current template.

Color-o-ring

Ni-i-i-ce. Almost went with this one, although there's nothing repressive about it.. But there were some mis-alignments when I uploaded it and I didn't want to go through the hassle of trouble-shooting. Me no patience for html stuff.

Pad Mess

That header right there is the perfect illustration of my real-life work desk. Except that a laptop replaces the notebook. Great design, but felt the whole thing was a little 'too much' and decided on something cleaner.

Puppet

Pretty. But blue is just not my thing.

People, I cannot rave enough about this website. Go see for yourselves.

Get Out Of Jail Free Card

2009-07-08T06:12:00.010+08:00

Every once in a while I find myself stupidly cornered in one of those scenarios where I want nothing better than to just disappear in a puff of smoke and appear elsewhere.

I'm not the biggest fan of social events.

Generally, I count myself as an introvert. I'm not a fan of crowds and only learned to handle social events through my years of experience, after many bad encounters. Hate being left standing in the middle of a crowd, that apparently is soooo having a good time, as I awkwardly try to search for a target for some mindless small talk, just to fit in.

To my credit, I did not expect tonight's event to be interactive. I went for the food. Thought I could tuck in to a dish of succulent roast lamb as the speaker droned on in the far end of the room.

Instead, an "intimate" (shocking!) dine as you "exchange ideas" was what was in store for me, and I couldn't choke down more than a few leaves of lettuce.

Even worse, I didn't know what the fuck the band of intellectuals were going on about, and so.. I made my escape.

Let's say you and me break out of this joint.

Okay, I don't normally allow myself to do this because I don't think it's healthy to run away from an intimidating circumstance or environment. I'm not in my teens anymore. I don't need to cower and run like I used to.

But every once in a while, I allow myself the Get Out Of Jail Free Card when things get just a little too hard and I'm really, really not having one of my best days.

And tonight, I just had to deck out my card. I could literally feel my wrinkles deepening as I tried my best to make sense of what they were saying. Worse, my first day of menstruation, which as far as I'm concerned, automatically qualifies me for the exit card.

For their own good, really. On the really bad months, like this one, I turn into a raving, froth-in-the-mouth, franken-bitch with a bad case of paranoia.

I don't know what I was thinking allowing myself to get dressed up and walking out of the door. Went through 4 outfits cursing my own reflection in the mirror for a half hour - I should have read the signs!

Anyway, escape couldn't have come at a better time. Mom called me to inform me that there was a black out back home and that I shouldn't be home too soon. Stay, and have fun!

Ha ha ha. She was left very confused on the other end with my uncalled for "Whaaat? When did this happen?" and then I made a hurried escape with a polite ta-ta to the host.

Melt those bars with your sizzling gaze.

Shameful, I know, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't take anymore of those rambling intellects and I felt TRAPPED, like I was in another dimension where time froze.

Anyway, I've already gone through a night of self-loathing and that is that. I'm not torturing myself over my cop-out anymore. As I said I was only there for the food. And they served spaghetti. That was the last straw.

Pervy Online Date

2009-06-24T23:46:00.009+08:00

Looks like I was getting all hot and bothered waiting for his email for nothing. The guy turned out to be someone looking for some hot online action. I should have heard the alarm bells ringing the minute the word 'erotic' came into our online chat, right about after the third exchange of sentences.

I guess my mind didn't want to believe that this guy, who had the nerve to put all his pics all over his profile, with family and friends, could turn out to be a dirty, lil' perv.

After 'erotic', came 'gigolo', 'stimulating'.. strange use of words sneaking into our conversation. Next thing I knew, I get an invitation to watch him have a little fun with himself on his webcam. Sick bastard. I declined, cos I didn't want to lose my lunch all over my beautiful Acer. My gal pal said I should have recorded the whole thing and uploaded it on Youtube. Hmm.. not worth the permanent damage on my retinas though.

That's all you've got?

What a total turn-off. It did cross my mind to just scrap the whole online dating thingy but then I came across a very enlightening article on the net about how online dating is a great avenue to meet someone nowadays if we only put in the same effort, patience and persistence as we would in real life. Even in real life we meet all kinds of people in bars who can be psycho and pervy, so why do we expect otherwise from the net?

Made sense. And then, best of all, another cutie-pie who I buzzed and was really hoping to get a reply from, finally replied me a few days ago. I had already given up on a reply from him! This time I'll be on perv-detect mode full time though..

Putting Yourself Out There

2009-06-23T13:00:00.005+08:00

Putting yourself out there (PYOT) . That's the most-used phrase that's being thrown about among my gal pals and me lately. Of course, it's already out in the open that I am now officially on a hunt for a hot-blooded male. Friends are sending me invites to places good for 'meeting people' and giving loads of encouragement on putting my ass out there.

But putting myself out there is really not an easy thing. It's about keeping a really open mind and always taking the first initiative instead of playing games. I mean, geez, I'm tired of games, no more games. And being a girl, gosh, this is the first time in my life I'm being so brazen to chat men up and ask for numbers.

The whole purpose of this PYOT is, naturally, to meet loads of people and increasing my chances to meet 'the one' I can finally cuddle up to while watching a nice DVD over the weekend. The downside to PYOT is having to go through all the scary motions of being rejected, blown off and left by the phone/mailbox waiting for a call/email that is never going to come. Gawd, I hate that!

Why the f@*k haven't you replied my emails?

Especially now that I've gone out on a limb to reach out to this person, who usually replies my emails within hours and is now quiet as a mouse, probably figuring how to make his quick getaway. Of course, I'm left here checking my emails every other minute like a dumb-shit, unable to concentrate on an overdue article. F@*K!

Yeah, PYOT isn't for the faint-hearted. But it has to be done if I'm going to keep myself sane. And it works! I don't think many people find their other halves/boyfriends/FUBUs/sugar daddies just sitting around like Cinderella hoping for their prince to come along, ring their door bells and sweep them off their feet. People find each other by PTOT!!

Gal pal was just telling me how she finally met her hubby. She walked up to him in a night club and asked him to dance, that's how they met. After that, she chased him for months, sending him endless smses even when he wasn't exactly interested in the beginning and made her wait in agony for his replies plenty of times. It's going on 5 years now that they've been happily married. And before she met hubby-to-be, she had her heart and pride broken countless of times because she PHOT.

Well, if it means being able to meet the one, or even a fling while he comes along, I guess its worth all the pain and trouble. Better than staying home, going psycho and rearing cats.

Online Date Giving Me Hot Cold

2009-06-18T22:06:00.007+08:00

Eye Candy does help in moments of extreme loneliness.

Paul Walker looking too sexy in his bermudas

Online dating not working out so far. I am having some exchange of emails with some guys. Though it's moving real slow. There was this one guy who I thought blew me away intellectually? Fucker hasn't replied my email for days.

How stupid. Getting hot-cold treatment.. ONLINE!! I feel like I've just graduated to a whole new level of loserbility.

Online Dating for Love

2009-06-15T14:56:00.006+08:00

What do you feel about online dating? That's what my friend asked when I droned on whining about my horrible loneliness the other day. Umm, I have a vague idea but does it work? Or is it just going to be filled with profiles of dirty old men, pervs looking for cyber-sex or psychopaths?

"Not really. I have a friend who dated a couple of decent guys through online dating, and she even had a long-term relationship with one," she replied. Really? It is true that we do almost everything via the internet nowadays - shopping, paying bills, watching movies, banking, looking for directions, communication - so why not dating? It'd be great, especially for the busy schedules that most us lead nowadays.

So I signed up for one, no kidding! Of course I signed up for the most popular site.. I ain't taking chances with some dodgy website with advertisements of scantily dressed girls plastered all over.

It's pretty cool, actually. I get to surf through their directory of men who uploaded their profiles, some with photos. And I get to pick those that catch my fancy and send them a wink, or an email. And I did find quite a few who caught my eye! We can also favourite the person who's profile strikes us and politely decline an invitation to get to know one another by clicking on a 'no, thanks' option, which helps us avoid fussing on a guilty rejection email.

The downside is, I still haven't mustered the courage to put up my own photo yet. The main barrier being that someone I know may come across my profile and start making a joke out of it. I'm not too concerned bout my own friends cos they all know about it and they're supportive, but more of some narrow-minded hypocritical acquaintances who would love to ruin a person through their nasty gossip.

Anyhow, I don't think poorly of guys who put their profiles up. In fact, some are obviously really fun guys who are confident and funny who I'd like to get to know. So let's see how things go from here.

Downside to a Night in Town

2009-06-14T23:24:00.002+08:00

A shitty hangover that makes you immobile the whole day, with the remaining intelligence of a 6 year old.

Night in Town, A Cure to Loneliness

2009-06-14T12:19:00.005+08:00

No point staying at home, feeling lonesome and all sorry for myself. Pretty close to psychotic a couple of days ago so thank God for friends who lent me their ears and shoulders to cry on.

Anyway, was close to pyscho-woman because of the crazy and unbearable loneliness. So last night, I was glad to be able to dress up real nice, slosh on some eye-liner and par-tay in town. Had a really nice dinner with my closest buddies where we got all giggly talking about men. After that, a Ben Stiller movie and then straight to the club.

Club was fun although it was packed! Walked/Nudged around the club for a bit before getting chatted up by a couple of guys, who turned out to be students, upon which my galpal and me quickly headed for the hills. It was then we realised, gawd, everyone in the club's so young (f@*#!!!)..

Last stop, we went up to the ice-box area where we put on a couple of trench coats and walked into a -18 degrees celcius room where we froze our butts sitting on chairs made of ice and taking photos. Called it a night after a couple of drinks and drove home in good spirits, just fairly tipsy.

It's times like these that make me realise how lucky I am to have great buddies. And we made lots of plans to paint the town red over the next few months. I can't wait!

Brick Wall

2009-06-13T09:38:00.001+08:00

Girl, when you see a brick wall in front of you, don't go smash your head against it. Just look for another way out.

Asked Guy For Number, Totally Blew Me Off

2009-06-12T01:00:00.005+08:00

Mustered up some courage, with the help of the adrenaline pumping in my blood after a workout, to walk up to him and talk to him. Totally blew me off. Basically didn't want to give me his number, instead gave me a general line to call into. I just don't get it. Is it so bad to give your number out to a friendly girl?

There is just no excuse for this! If you're not into me, you should still at least be friendly. I mean, what's not to like to have another friend? If you're not into girls, you can still give me your freakin' number, I'm not gonna jump you or anything, right?

Anyway, I'm not going to spend another minute brooding over this. Instead, I'm going to gawk at Brad Rowe and marry him in my dreams. So there!

Gay Movie That Touches Your Heart - Shelter (2007)

2009-06-11T15:19:00.005+08:00

It is 3 in the afternoon and I really should be working, but.. I'm already 80% through my review so I deserve a break!

Topic of the day is going to be Shelter, f*cking gay movie of the year 2007. Ever since I watched this show over the weekend, I've been walking around in a daze, just YEARNING for a love as sweet as this.

Story revolves around Zach (Trevor Wright) and Shaun (Brad Rowe) two hunk-o-hunks surfer-dudes who are kinda masculine, and I guess that's what really appealed to me. But they both also have their sensitive, vulnerable side.

Zach is a total sweetheart, a young man (a boy almost, if it weren't for his hot body) who makes sacrifices for his irresponsible, selfish sister by taking care of her son. He practically becomes the father figure in his nephew's life and its crazy how he takes on this burden at his young age, but he does it anyway without complaining, even sacrificing a scholarship offered to him by an art college. He's a talented artist, by the way.

Along comes Shaun, Zach's best friend's (Gabe) brother,..I mean HAWT brother, who is taking a break from his life in LA after his recent break-up from his bf. It's a well-known fact in town that Shaun is gay but Zach, who is on a break with his gf, is really cool about it.

Zach and Shaun start hanging out together, surfing and just enjoying each other's company, and they fall in love. It is the SWEETEST thing how they are slowly drawn together. And through their conversation, you kinda see that Zach already had an admiration for Shaun for some time since he bought and read Shaun's first book (yep, he's a writer, mama mia, that hot stuff) the minute it came out and thought it was awesome.

Anyway, these two hotties fall in love, and there are the sweetest kissing and bed scenes, with the heart-wrenching soundtrack song "Lie To Me" by Shane Mack playing in the background. Haunting! And gosh, I just loved watching these two naked, hot bodies come together as they unleashed their passion on each other. I watched the whole damn scene, what 10 times now? And I'm not stopping, yet.

And then your heart kinda breaks a little for Zach because he feels so helpless later, torn between his responsibility for his family, his confusion at him finally realising he's gay and wanting to be with Shaun who so obviously really cares for him.

Anyways not gonna spoil the ending for people who haven't watched this show. I highly recommend it to EVERYBODY because it is such a fantastic show and opens people's minds to how gays are just ordinary people who lead ordinary lives, and that gay love can be a beautiful thing, not something disgusting. Any type of love, as long as its love, is a beautiful thing. We should be so lucky to experience a love like that in our life time, really.

Since we're on the topic of gay movies, I wonder why heterosexual girls enjoy watching gay movies? I have some friends who go absolutely ga-ga over gay movies, just like me. We went nuts over Brokeback Mountain when it came out (watched in 7 times and bawled like a baby each time) and we're kinda hoping that Kris Allen realises he's got gay tendencies and starts snogging Adam Lambert who has the hots for him (hey, don't tell me you haven't been following Kradam? Fanvids on Adam Lambert and Kris Allen sharing hugs, snuggles and oh, yeah one kiss, are all over Youtube)

My explanation is that we love men so much, we like to watch more of them, and what better way than to get the girl out of the picture completely!

Freelance Has Its Perks

2009-06-10T23:53:00.004+08:00

It's been a few months since I've gone freelance full-time now and my biggest challenge is discipline. It's tough to set a time line when the TV is right in front of me, the kitchen, just a few steps away, and sometimes, visitors just come at the wrong time.

The deal is: if I don't produce enough, then I don't get enough moolah. Although I do make enough for my monthly expenses, buuut.. I'm definitely not going to buy a yacht anytime soon.

But know what? Most of the time, I'm pretty contented. Except for a few setbacks which I'm working on.. other than that, I think I'm happier than I've been for some time.

In the first place, the job's great. Doesn't pay millions.. but it does have its perks. I get to go out and try all types of cuisine in different restaurants, I get free memberships to fitness centres, I get to meet people.. and I still have quite some time to spend for myself doing whatever I like.

Particularly I love my new workout regimes. Working out always reenergizes me and makes me feel really good about myself, but I never had the time to do it when I used to work 9-5 for a company. Now, I almost work out every day and I can see myself change. I feel good, look good and my confidence is improving.

The best part, I don't have to go to an office. No boss looking over my shoulder and telling me what to do, what not to do. There are a couple of guys I report to, but they give me lots of space.. which is great. And they are appreciative of my work, so that I'm really starting to believe I'm actually good in what I do.

With some of the extra time that I have, I've been trying to join some associations and classes to help myself improve on other skills like public speaking. I'm also thinking of going back to school. Thinking!.. I know its not going to be easy. I kind of treat my phase in life now as the time I can really improve myself as a person and to be able to produce something that is worthwhile to other people. At least, somebody other than myself.

I do have a couple of setbacks which I'm trying to overcome right now. Such as actually sitting myself to work a little harder so that I don't chase deadlines at the very last minute; really trying to discipline myself to STOP YOUTUBING during designated 'work hours'; and basically just trying to organize my time properly so that I have proper hours for work and play, instead of just a whole jumble of work, lots of slacking in between, and then no time to hang out with my family and friends.

On the romance side, I noticed I haven't put much thought into dating for the past (jeez) 2-3 years and that is just crazy. But strangely, this past few months, I feel like I'm just going through some vast changes, and I suddenly feel.. VERY READY FOR LOVE.

I just want to fall crazily, head over heels for someone. I feel like I have so much to give, and I do see myself giving more to the people around me. Suddenly, I feel like I want to surround myself with people. I want to go out, have fun and have a good time. Make lots of new friends.

Anyway, as much as I'd like to ramble on, it really is getting late and I've promised myself an early night tonight so that I can wake early tomorrow morning and bloody well get some real work done. I really need some discipline to get my life in order.

So, that's all on my life for now. More next time..

Nokia E63 a cool gadget

2009-05-27T21:58:00.005+08:00

wow i'm making my first ever post with my new nokia e63. I'm beginning to really get attached to this nifty toy. It's portable, fits just as nicely on my palm as it does in my handbag n it comes in a sassy red colour. Also comes in blue and now black, but i'll tell ya guys, red totally rocks.

Its so cool cos no matter where i am i can just whip this baby out and check my emails which is sooo handy for a girl on the go like me who needs to attend to business emails daily.

Screen is pretty big and bright, so i can read messages pretty easily. Buttons may be small for big guys or those with huge stubby fingers but its just nice for mine. Camera is 2 megapixel and so far i find the pictures taken reasonably clear and bright.

Am going pretty nutty over this cool gadget. In a good way. And best of all, it is budget-friendly. Stylish nokia phone designed after the blackberry phone(has qwerty keypad), this baby only costs rm950. Apparently techie shops like in digimall and low yat and have 2 versions of this phone - one with original parts n another with some non-original parts but apparently both are manufactured by nokia factories except the not so original one has a shorter warranty period but is cheaper at rm880.

Sounds a little like hocus pocus that those low yat ah bengs cooked up, doesn't it? Well, that's what they say... .

anyhoo i think this is a great buy, love it so far and discovering more and more cool trocks as i explore further. Cool!

American Idol Finale Star-studded Performances

2009-05-24T10:06:00.003+08:00

The American Idol finale was quite, quite impressive. It was a star-studded show with performances from Queen, KISS, Cyndi Lauper, Lionel Ritchie, Jason Mraz, Fergie (what a bod!), The Black Eyed Peas, Rod Stewart, Santana and Steve Martin (who knew he could play the banjo.. and compose songs??)

And as the show went on, it just became clear that Adam was the star of the show that night. Especially during his performance with Queen. Kris was just fading away into the background (my gosh, that college kid Kris is married, that's such a kill-joy isn't it?)

I'll be looking forward to seeing both their progress in the music industry from hereon.. especially Adam's.

Kris Allen beats Adam Lambert on AI

2009-05-21T11:23:00.004+08:00

You should know it by now. Yeap, Kris Allen has been crowned American Idol in an upset win over Adam Lambert.

Honestly, I'm almost too upset to even comment on that right now. When he beat Gokey to make it to the final two, I was stunned, but still satisfied that the DESERVING WINNER, the one and only fantabulous Adam Lambert, was also made finalist... and I was almost sure that he would win AI hands down.

Kris is just so boring and.. poof, something that is pleasant but fades away the minute he walks off stage. But Adam.. Adam is iconic. He is so AMAZINGLY TALENTED. I'd hate to say this, but by choosing Kris over Adam as winner of AI (whether the whole contest really is based on votes or it's just a total set-up), I've kinda lost my faith in AI in having good taste and giving recognition where its due. Second place just doesn't cut it for talent as big as Adam Lambert.

Anyhow, to me, Adam Lambert is the winner. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A WINNER TO ME, ADAM!!!

Adam Lambert Showdown with Kris Allen

2009-05-20T18:11:00.002+08:00

Out with Gokey, and in with Kris. For me, this was an upset. Judge Simon Cowell said it was Kris' creative and original rendition of Kanye West's Heartless which won him a spot on the finals. Bull Crap! I mean, sure, it was well-performed and extremely refreshing.

So was Gokey's performance! I have always said that while Gokey is a good singer, he never had a "magical" moment like Adam Lambert's Track of My Tears or Anoop Desai's Ooh Baby Baby, which made thousands of people replay the videos on Youtube OVER AND OVER AGAIN like maniacs, for hours and days, including yours truly.

But he did, last week. He was totally spot on singing the song choice of Paula Abdul. And when he sang You Are So Beautiful.. I was mesmerized. I knew THAT was his magical moment, and true enough, the song replayed itself in my head for days. Only problem is.. the song itself, is not exactly my favourite. Too mushy and kinda blah tune. Maybe that's why it isn't so appealing. But Danny did an EXCELLENT job emoting that song, and made it MAGICAL!!

Yet, he lost to postbox mouth, boy-next-door Kris Allen, who really has NO STAR APPEAL! I like that he's cute, quiet and humble and all, but we're looking for a STAR here.

Anyways, it all doesn't matter, because in the end, who I really, really want to win is Adam, that's all. And if he doesn't, gosh, I dunno what's wrong with America.

Simon, Stop Being A Bitch!

2009-05-12T20:41:00.005+08:00

I've always looked forward to what Simon had to say as a judge on AI. But lately, Simon's becoming such a bitch! And I can only guess he's become one after Kara Dioguardi, an artist with a ear for music herself (the opposite of Paula, obviously) started to be the Go-To or Listen-To for really smart, good comments on the singers' performances.

And his pride probably took another blow after Ryan Seacrest jabbed at him with a comment something to the effect of, oh, you're so wrong this time and Kara & Randy were right! (America had voted for Allison & Danny as Top 2, and Matt, Kris & Adam as Bottom 3, the total opposite of what Simon had earlier commented).

Ever since then, I noticed Simon's making cruel remarks that are totally uncalled for e.g. "How bout this? Danny, you're the better singer." after Kris & Danny's duet last week. Poor Kris. And I really have had enough of his bashing of Allison Iraheta. I mean, enough already, what were YOU doing, Simon, when you were 16? Obviously still playing with barbie dolls. Or were they even invented yet?

The least he can do is to understand how fragile a teen can be at that age, and what could be worse than attacking her personality. SHE'S FREAKIN' SIXTEEN!!!

Gosh, Simon. I used to like you.

Anoop Desai and Allison Iraheta Kicked Out

2009-05-12T20:27:00.000+08:00

No, I'm not behind time. I'm aware that Anoop was kicked out 2 weeks ago but since he's still the only one worth mentioning other than Allison (Lil' & Matt - yaawwwnn..), then that's what I'm going to talk about.

Anoop Dawg: Well, we knew he wasn't going to win anyway. Still, I'll be missing those gorgeous eyebrows! And I still haven't gotten over your magical performance of Ooh Baby Baby yet.

Allison: First off, you're only bloody 16. That's enough cause for the rest of the world to envy you already. And please, just ignore Simon who's getting more and more insensitive by the day. I mean, stop messing with the poor girl's head. I still remember how insecure and angsty I was at that age, and Alllison really doesn't to carry any chip on her shoulder for the rest of her life, just because she was brave enough to get on stage and compete on AI. Getting to be a real farce anyway, that AI.

And Simon says you lack personality? I mean, for god's sake, she needs to grow up first, Simon! Stop being a bitch!

Reevaluating My Life.. Again

2009-04-19T12:58:00.004+08:00

How happy am I about my life now? Frankly, at times I feel it's okay. Then other times I feel it's turning to shits. I think I had two terrible blows recently that are kind of causing me to reevaluate myself, my personality, my life.. And I am just so sick of this shit! Gosh, how many times do I need to reevaluate my entire being?

For a while, when I was in Singapore, I thought I finally found myself. I felt stable, confident, I knew what I wanted and what I was capable of. And now, I find myself in another mess.

Where do I begin.. fuck, I know things are really going to shits when I'm even embarassed to talk about what's been going on in my life on my anonymous blog. Afraid to be judged.. on my anonymous blog? Maybe, I've been living my life in 2 layers. The outer layer, the facade that I show to the world and hope that I am, and the 2nd layer, the real me, the one I try to hide away.

Why the need for this charade? Why can't I just show who I am to the world, faults and all and be accepted for it? Maybe I'm afraid that I won't. Maybe, okay, I know, the truth is I am a judgmental person. I am afraid to be judged because of the way I judge others.. Yes, that makes sense.

This need to always better myself and the self-beating..I wonder when it stops? .. I met a person recently, and she is quite extraordinary, very dynamic.. she says to me, that before I receive love, I must first learn to love, and to love unconditionally. And that the elements that hinder us from happiness and success are ego, selfishness, being judgmental and the expectations of something in return for everything we do.

How true. Guilty, on all counts. And I just read a self-help article. It says that how I perceive myself, is how others will perceive of me. The way I think or live my life will attract the same energy back to me. So if I live it negatively, then I will attract negativity.

I want to be happy, I really do. But lately, my mind has just been drenched with negativity. About myself, my job, my relationships. Puts my head in a spin and I just give up thinking of a solution.

My job:
Left my short-lived job 2 months ago and this is the first time I'm posting about it. Didn't want to reveal it at first because.. well.. I guess I was ashamed. But fuck, shamed or not, secret or not, that's what happened and I can't run from it even if I deny it. I've been freelancing for the past 2 months. Yes, the jobs are coming in, I think I would have hit rockbottom without even a sliver of confidence left if it wasn't. So thank god, I am getting projects.

But I feel insecure. Friends have given me these reactions like I'm a quitter, some lazy bum who doesn't want to make her own living. They think I'm using free-lance as a cover up, some dumb shit lie I'm making up to deny my unemployment. That kind of hurts, and it puts me down.

Of course I do worry whether there is a future in this. I'm still relatively young to be working from home, although I do go out quite often to conduct interviews and reviews.

Now that I really think about it.. freelance is a choice I made. I had opportunities to get a full-time job. I CHOSE to go freelance. I don't know why I forget these things and start beating myself up. Even now, I could ask one of the companies I'm freelancing with and they would hire me. The reason: I wanted flexibility. I hate rude management. And I wanted more time for myself to start on my own personal projects. I want to write a book. I want to have time for hobbies, exercise and time with family. Coffee at home while I work on my next article.

If I could take away my worry of people's perception of what I did, I wouldn't be feeling like the dirt at the soles of my shoes right now.

My love life: I want to be loved, I really do. I'm still not in that big a hurry. But again, friends are all around me, talking, saying what the fuck is wrong with me that I'm still single.. why? why can't I be single? single and happy? single, happy and normal? why must there be something wrong with me if I'm single?? can't it be that I just haven't met him? or that I may never meet him but that's ok?

Honestly, there are times I have the desperate need to be loved. Now more than ever. And I do want to put myself out there. But NOT because I want to be "normal" by the standards of my so-called "friends". But because I feel that I am ready.

Friends: For some reason, I feel like shit everytime I speak to them lately. If I stick to the what goes round, comes round adage, then I'm a piece of shit. Am I a piece of shit??

Hahaha..

Anyway, this rant has been therapeutic. It always is and that's why I love writing. To end it all, I need to give myself hope:

My dear self,

What people think, it doesn't matter. You, look inside yourself and ask, what is it that you want? What do you really need right now?? Please go and achieve it. For yourself, and not for anybody else.

Write it down in words (not here, this posting is already too long). And then I ask you to break down those barriers in your mind. Forget who treats you wrong or right, who's selfish, who's judgmental, who's an ass.. YOU treat people right, you be selfless, you stop being a judgmental pig and you, for heaven's sake, learn to love and to love unconditionally.

Be gentle with yourself, be honest with yourself and express yourself. And I mean the true YOU. Take off that stupid mask, it doesn't work anymore. Be vulnerable, its okay.

And finally, get started on your articles, deadlines' tomorrow and you're starting to shit in your pants..

Love always,
Your kind self

American Idol Top 7 - Anoop Desai's eyebrows

2009-04-18T11:49:00.006+08:00

Look into my eye... (brows), you will see... Anoop Desai gave a great performance this week for Top 7 Movie Themes Night when he sang Everything I do by Bryan Adams. Thank god he chose right song this time round instead of another fast number that will be painful to watch.

I hate to keep making jokes out of those fuzzy larvaes he cultivates on on his face, but I just can't stop myself. Ok, OKAY, this will be the last time (fingers crossed).

Well, as much as I make fun of him, I've said many times that I actually kinda like 'im. Cos he does have his magical moments. And he literally made me laugh til I had tears when he impersonated Kris Allen a couple of week ago (see pic)..Gosh..hahaha

A quick short take again on everyone:

Adam Lambert: Crossing cultures, genders and orientation, you are already a star. Think you've outgrown AI, my friend.

Danny Gokey: Still not feelin' you, Dawg..

Lil Rounds: Good, but not good enough. Nothing magical, and its clear to Simon(and me) that she will not be winning this show. Likely to be voted off next week along with Matt Giraud (judges have already used their save!)

Kris Allen: Really good, hardworking & nice guy. Got a future in show biz although not gonna win AI.

Allison Iraheta: Great voice, needs a few years to grow and be able to make a proper conversation without, "totally".."crazy..", "ohmigod.." and saying nothing in the end and pissing Ryan off.

Anoop Dawg: Somehow manages to be likeable and popular despite being a little over-confident at times. Ryan loves asking him questions to get his over-confident reactions.

Matt Giraud: Judges saved him because they KNOW who the winner is already and nothing changes that. So.. they retain him for one more week as some sort of a consolation prize. He is a good singer, no doubt. Worked hard, but just out shone. Likely to go out next week..along with Lil Rounds.

Susan Boyle - Britain's Got Talent

2009-04-18T10:14:00.004+08:00

Another shocker on Britain's Got Talent! The 47-year old marmish looking Susan Boyle was teased and giggled by the crowd but ended up with a standing ovation!! She's like 2009's version of Paul Potts and Connie Talbot. Blowing audiences away unexpectedly with their amazing, raw talent. Todate, her clips on Youtube have been hit by more than 12 million viewers!

She sang "I dreamed a dream" from Les Miserables. Honestly, never heard that song myself but did a little look up after listening to her performance. And there couldn't be a more suitable song, it was so touching.

Singing about dreams gone by and wasted at youth. I mean, who can't identify with that? Read elsewhere in the news that America went crazy over the performance because they found it uplifting and inspirational, especially during the tough times they are going through now. Even Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher were moved to tears. This was shown from a video from ITM.

Great performance and absolutely inspirational!!

The final four - Adam Lambert, Danny Gokey, Allison Iraheta, Lil Rounds

2009-04-12T02:20:00.002+08:00

The final four will be Adam Lambert, Danny Gokey, Allison Iraheta and Lil Rounds! I wanna talk about the final four that according to Votefortheworst.com has already been chosen by American Idol long ago, so all this voting off is pretty much nonsense. Its all a set up!

Don't know if this is true but I guess those four are the better singers of the lot. Although, if I had my way, the top four would be Adam Lambert, Danny Gokey, Anoop Desai and Allison Iraheta.

Adam Lambert : Let us not kid ourselves, fellow AI singers. He is in a whole different league and he's the winner. Without a doubt. Don't hit yourselves on your chest and ask why? why? why? He was born with that voice, end of story. On the other hand, after he wins, he'll have to cut an album that's original that'll sell and that is not easy. As far as I'm concerned, all winners have fallen flat after AI.

Danny Gokey : Loved him at the start but was just outshone by Adam. Also, for some reason I feel really tired after watching him sing.

Anoop Desai : Well, I like him. I really do. When he gets it right, its so good. Unfortunately, he chooses the stewpidest songs at times.

Allison Iraheta : Frankly I like Kris Allen way better than Allison but I had to choose her cos she's got a good voice.. can't deny that. But you know, I think likeability is really important on AI and alot of them don't seem to realise that. Lots of people watch intently on the way they react to the judges criticisms. So far, Adam, Danny and Anoop have reacted quite well and gentlemenly, in my eyes. That is a PLUS PLUS PLUS point for their ratings and votes. Allison.. sigh.. girl, you're annoying. Maybe cos she's so young too.

Lil Rounds : Boring and worse, a copycat. Judges hate that.

Matt : Copycat (NO!!) and lack personality (maybe he's shy). Also not chirpy enough.

Kris Allen : Most improved, tries the hardest, listens to judges and persistent. Like 'im.

Is Adam Lambert Gay?

2009-04-12T02:16:00.001+08:00

Yes, he is.

http://www.google.com.my/search?hl=en&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&hs=si2&q=is+adam+lambert+gay&btnG=Search&meta=

Seoblogreviews Part II

2009-04-10T17:36:00.002+08:00

Ok, so a lot of people seem to have been contacted by Seoblogreviews which is apparently some paid review company that keeps dropping emails into bloggers mailboxes asking them if they are interested to make some extra pocket money.

I made my first post on this end of last year when they first contacted me. During that time, seoblogreviews didn't even have a proper website and I was directed straight to an application form when I clicked on their link. Anyway, I replied and then I got a 2nd email from them FOUR months later. Hmmph.. someone needs a lesson in business. And here is what the email said:

Hello Repressed,

Thank you for subscribing to our blog reviews service.

We have started sending review requests and so we are contacting you.

While subscribing you mentioned that you would do a review only for a sample.

We wanted to know if in case we cannot send a sample would you be still willing to do the review for a payment.

If yes, please let us know how much you would charge.

Also please let us know which sites you have already reviewed for us, so that we can send you the details of the rest of the sites for review.

Looking forward to your response,

Wishes,

Yeah, it ended just like that..wishes.. *blank*. But on the email, the name was stated as J R. Previously it was F B. I did a little snooping around since I have some time on my hands and hey, whaddya know, they've put up a proper website now. And some bloggers have made some posts that they were paid or promised to be paid $10 per review but it has to be done via paypal.

My take on this: Why can't they just bloody sign off their emails properly, you know like
Sincerely,
Jason Reeds
Marketing Executive
Seoblogreviews

It's just not professional and has a real scammy feel to it. And I bloody well do not want to go through all that trouble and open a paypal account and put my confidential information up and then risk getting it all hacked into. Nope, not for $10 per 300 word review.

But then again, those of you who are interested and you already have a paypal account, why not? So far I haven't seen any bloggers posting up how they got ripped off big time by them. But I will say one thing. Isn't it easier to just apply to a proper company close to where you live and do proper freelance writing. At least you can be confident you would actually get paid (and way more) then go through this weird company that appears all scammy.

Adam Lambert vs Anoop Desai vs Danny Gokey

2009-03-30T23:15:00.000+08:00

Adam Lambert is the man to watch this season on American Idol. Yeah, he's gay. Who the fuck cares anyway. Hate all these comments saying, "He can really sing. But.. he's gay.." How the heck are those two inter-related? He can sing. Full stop. And he is different. I've seen him perform many times now and each time, he is interesting and does something surprising. Like when he slicked his hair back and wore that silver suit, singing "Tracks of My Tears" by Smokey Robinson on Motown week. He reminded me of Elvis. So handsome and his voice, amazing. It was so tender and emotional, it touched my heart. His voice is soooooo good.

Especially that part when he sang, "my smile is my makeup I wear since my break-up with you..baby baby" oh god, that was fantastic. I watched the video on youtube over and over again these past two days. How crazy is that? It's just one of those magical moments that happen once in a blue moon on Idol.

The other guy, who happens to be the underdog (not slumdog..har dee har har) is Anoop Dawg!! This guy has a pretty amazing voice too. I couldn't stand him from the start. No star charisma and honestly, just NOT GOODLOOKING and he's got cockroaches for eyebrows. And now, I'm an Anoop Dawg fan because his voice won me over. Literally, it was his voice and his voice only that totally changed my initial opinion of him and that really means something. That boy can really sing. And I became a true Anoop Dawg supporter when I heard his "Oooh Baby Baby" version on Motown week. Again, been listening to it over and over again on Youtube and its been playing in my head for the past 2 days.

Danny Gokey. Well, I really liked him at the beginning. But now, he's kinda boring me to death. I hope he does something different other than just giving his saccharine sweet smile each time. And his voice, its good. But it still hasn't really touched my heart and I have yet to experience a magical, Youtube-marathon-inducing moment yet. Sorry.

Huge Padded White Feet

2009-03-27T20:00:00.000+08:00

Have I ever mentioned that I keep rabbits and a dog? My fat, furry friend has a huge butt and likes to hop around the house with his huge, padded, white feet. He likes to tease the dog because he knows the dog gets all jealous when he gets to roam about the house while the doggie is kept on a leash. He goes real close.. hoppity hop.. but just far enough so the flustered doggie can't reach him and starts to whine and yelp.

The naughty ball of fur hops around the house and likes to hide under the sofa. We have to hide all the wires cos bunnies love to chew on wires and can really cause havoc when left unattended. My other rabbit was a real terror when we first brought her back. She cut off our telephone line and even caused a blackout. Hahaha.. it makes me laugh when I think back on what a mischievious little bunny she was. My parents weren't quite so amused then though..

Anyway, did you know rabbits can be trained? My big, fat white one which we allow to roam the house at times is toilet-trained. He only poops when he's back in his cage. And he can beg and ask for food. He used to come round to the kitchen and step on our toes with his huge, soft feet; then stand up on his hind legs with his little front paws in front of him, begging for bread. Naughty furball!

Me bunnies are pretty old now though. I think one's 6 and the other's 7. Pretty long-lived eh? I guess that means they've been pretty happy and well-fed so far.

Dependant Bro Gets a Job

2009-03-26T12:20:00.000+08:00

Bro finally got a job! Yes, it's true (Superhero, there is hope!). Recently, bro had been meeting up with some of his old buddies whom he's been hanging out with since he was a boy. He hooked up with, or maybe they hooked him up with, a former classmate who was looking for someone to manage his cafe cum hobby store. I'm quite surprised my bro actually agreed to take up the job (after much, MUCH cajoling, pushing and at some points, threatening) since it actually involves customer service and marketing.

I guess he knew he had to get himself on his feet because we (my mom and I) really meant business this time and put him on a shoestring budget. Come to think of it, I should be really happy that he has finally found himself a job. But its just that I've been let down so many times and I'm so tired of his irresponsibility that I don't feel very celebratory. I feel like, I need to see it actually happen before I start to count my chickens.

Nowadays I don't really give in to his demands anymore. He used to depend on me on so many things. Needs to be fetched here and there; needs to be accompanied for the simplest things like getting a haircut or grocery shopping; and needs me to rack my brains and do research for him when he needs information for something. Thinking about all that makes my blood start to boil again! Nowadays I just tell him off, "Can't you do that yourself??", "Do you need me around when you have your haircut?", and "NO!!"

I think he is starting to learn not to take us for granted anymore. Probably cos we can be quite cold and blunt towards him whenever he tries to ask for favours or money. It was difficult for me at first, but I had to. Keeping a smile and trying to be all "we're a family" when I felt so resentful and unfairly-treated (because I kept thinking why should I work my ass off to support him being a lazy good-for-nothing) inside, it just ate away at me. Things really changed for the better when I began to express how I really felt and he started to get punished for his heckcares attitude instead. This way, he learned and it got him off his butt.

Anyway, although I still don't feel overcome with happiness for the time being, I know that a burden will be lifted off my shoulders the minute he stops being financially dependant on me=)

Conceit

2009-03-21T02:00:00.000+08:00

"A conceited person never gets anywhere because he thinks he is already there."

"To attempt to advise conceited people is like whistling against the wind."

"We often boast that we are never bored, but yet we are so conceited that we do not perceive how often we bore others."

"A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does."

Free Me from this Cage

2009-03-19T01:30:00.000+08:00

He says : I really, really, really like you. You're so mysterious. Sometimes you say so much and sometimes you don't say anything.

She says : Mysterious? There's nothing mysterious about me. SoMoner or later, you will get to know me and you'll find there's nothing different about me.

He says : No, no, no.

She says : Yes, and I know what kind of person you are if you like mysterious. You're someone who gets bored easily and you're always looking for something new, am I right?

He says (or rather confesses) : Yes, I do get bored easily sometimes.

She nods triumphantly.

He says : But you are so different from other girls. You're so mysterious, I'll always find you interesting.

She says : Look, I'm not interesting. The reason I'm mysterious is because I don't have a strong personality. I don't really know what I want and that's why you find me mysterious.

He says : No. No. I don't know why you are not confident. You are so pretty and you are so smart. I don't know why you are not confident.

She says : No, it's the truth. I'm just saying the truth.

He says : You are so pretty and you are so smart. You know, I would marry you. If I took you to meet my mother, she would love you.

She says : Ha, ha, ha.

He says : You know what? When I first saw you, you were all I saw. You are so pretty. And we may never see each other again but I will never forget you. I will never forget you.

She says : Oh, come on. Did you just put that together for a script?

He says : No, No! I'm never spontaneous. I'm terrible at spontaneous. But I'm telling you, I will never forget you. You are the only girl I have met that really caught my attention these last five years. And we may never see each other again but I will never forget you.

What he says, it rings in my ears. It started out as a vacation by the beach. Nothing came out of this chance meeting. But I think I will change a lot after this short holiday. Being repressed and inhibited, I feel suddenly so exposed because of what he said, and some cruel words that have been said by others. A mixture of revelations landed on me and left me in a mess these past two days.

I think I will learn a lot from this vacation and that I will emerge a better person from it. Repressed and inhibited. These are two words I will work to banish from my life from now on. I want to be free.

Phantom of the Opera

2009-03-09T21:30:00.001+08:00

Just watched Phantom and The Opera on TV just now. Strange how I've seen it, what three, four times now; but it really touched me tonight. I just realised how magical some of the scenes were. The part when the Phantom and Christine held each other while the flames burned around them (the billowing red pieces of cloth on stage anyway) and gosh, I almost forgot to breathe when they sang "The Point of No Return" so passionately while poor handsome Raoul stared at them teary-eyed (consumed with jealousy methinks). And the lyrics! They were singing this as they slowly walked towards each other on the bridge..

Past all thought of right or wrong
One final question
How long should we two wait before we're one?

When will the blood begin to race
The sleeping bud burst into bloom
When will the flames at last CONSUME us?

MAN!! And the censorship authorities missed this?? How hot are these words!!! No need for ripping off of clothes and rolling about on bed in the nude, the words say it all. Just so much passion and class. And the fantastic emotion that Raoul displayed on his face (swoon!) - unbelievably heart wrenching to see him so in love with Christine and how it crushed his heart to see her totally hypnotised and seduced by the phantom. Love that scene! Great acting, Patrick Wilson, you hunk of a man you.

And Gerard Butler, dammit. His expressions as he watched Christine slowly fall in love with Raoul. Especially when he feels betrayed by her and starts to weep. Gawd!! My heart ached for him. He was just so tortured and helpless; he couldn't help being the violent person that he was because he was so unloved and deprived; he felt so ugly.

And hail to Andrew Lloyd Webber, for creating magical music that touched my soul. I swear that "All I ask of you" song was written to make people fall in love. Or to make all single people cry. Christine and Raoul fell in love as they sang this song. Sigh, what a beautiful couple they make. Emily Rossum, you know I hate you cos you're so lovely.

Then the phantom also sings his own part of the song but with a soft, sad touch because he knows his love is unrequitted. He sings:

Say you'll share with me
One love, one lifetime
Lead me, save me from my solitude
Say you want me
With you here
Beside you
Anywhere you go
Let me go too

Enough already! How much can one's heart take? And the final bit with the rose and diamond ring that were left on her final resting place. Touched me to the centre of my SOUL.

You know, for a long time I hated Christine because I always thought she was a heartless b*tch who left the Phantom after she found out he was ugly. I realise now that she couldn't be with him because he was kind of insane and murderous. But the thing that really gets to me is that Phantom became like that because of the way he grew up; being treated like a monster by his own mother and all. And he sort of became a "damaged" person who couldn't control himself and didn't know how to love.

Thumbs up to this all time classic. Great actors, great music. Tragic, touching and so, so much romance. Luv-ly!!

Threw Myself Out and Got Smashed

2009-02-28T20:00:00.001+08:00

I got invited to a party last week and yes, I turned up. I told myself that this house louse (that's moi) needs to go out and socialise before she starts to get people-phobia and that she needs to put her ass on the market before she is shelved permanently.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not desperate and somewhere at the back of my mine, I know I'm pretty happy being single. But there is a limit to how much time I can spend with myself in a healthy way. And if I think I have been spending just a leeeeetle too much time alone, I know its time to throw myself out there.

Well, I did throw myself out there and I had a smashing time. As in, I got "smashed". Never mind that it was the birthday celebration of an old buddy of mine whom I haven't met in eonks but when I stepped into the place, I was inwardly horrified that I didn't recognise a single soul in there!

My first instinct was to smile, ignore that pulsating rhythm in my throat and head for the vodka. Pretty soon I was having a good time and became the life of the party. Well, in my head anyway (in my very tipsy head). I have a fuzzy memory of playing some games, I remember shooting people with my fingers, having cards stuck to my forehead and people going, "OHH, driiiiink!!!"

All in all, I would say it was fun because it really was all fun and games. There wasn't much room or enough sobriety for intellectual conversation so it was pretty much a night of superficial entertainment, which was exactly what I was looking for I guess. Also it was one of those parties to just get back into the social circles so that I would get invited to other parties in the future. You know, once in a while, a girl wants to go out and have a superficial night.

And when I woke up next morning, I faced the consequences of the previous day's excessive drinking - sandpaper mouth and temple throbbing. However, two days later, I got invited to another night out in town (success!) which I wisely declined since I still had not rid the alcohol from my system yet. And I did get an online private message from a guy I met at the party. So I guess, it was a successful night and everything turned out the way I hoped it would.

The Writing Profession

2009-02-14T20:45:00.002+08:00

Alright, I think its about time I started sharing my experiences as a writer instead of sweeping it under the carpet as if nothing happened. So I took the big leap last year, decided I had enough of the friggin' rat race of working in a bank, left Singapore, returned to my hometown, KL, and started a job with a salary a third of what I used to make. I wanted to follow my heart, I said.

I want to be a writer.

"What makes you think you want to be a writer?", "What makes you think it'll be any different from any other job?", "It's all the same in the end, you'll get jaded and then what? Job hop again?", "Do you have any talent in this field?", "WHY?", "That's new..", "I hope you don't regret it."

I'd like to think I make my choices in life without regards to anybody's opinion or approval. But if I said I didn't, I would be lying. Because there are so many people I care about who want the best for me. And if I always thought I knew what was best for myself or that there was nothing new I could ever learn from someone else, then I may as well be dead.

And so to me, this was important. I didn't want to let everyone down again, especially myself. I hoped I was right to make this crazy leap into an industry I had no experience in. Starting all over from the bottom and here I am, 2 years from 30. No spring chicken and not so much room left for another brand new start.

What is it like to be a writer? Well, it's a lot of hard work, dedication and one must have a deep burning passion for writing. Admittedly, I did have visions of glamour and glory. And then reality stepped in and gave my visions a kick in the ass.

Where I worked the writers did not get accredited for our articles. I really wanted and still want to see my name in print above my contributions. Unfortunately that is not the policy in my company. And my she-boss, she breathes down our collars and throws a tantrum if she thinks we haven't worked hard enough. In my second week, she gave me two deadlines in the same day, one for a dry-as-hell business book review and the other, an interview which I had to rush back to the office and write a 2-page advertorial.

And try this for size, she hates it when we go for an hour's lunch. Hey, but isn't that in the labour law? I mean, we need to take a break and EAT!! In my contract, work ends at 6pm (snide snort) but really, nobody leaves before she-boss leaves and she-boss leaves between 8pm to 9pm. 7.30pm is considered an early night, almost a lottery strike. On deadline night before the magazine went for printing, I stayed past 11pm.

And so, basically I am repeating all that I've said and complained to just about everybody I knew or bothered to listen. Before the month was over, I was frantically calling my friends up, looking for favours to get into a better company and desperately looking through the usual classifieds - JobsDB.com, Jobstreet.

At the end of the month, she-boss hands me the offer letter via her secretary and I was so close, so, so close to rejecting it. I was so full of reasons and excuses to just walk out of there and be free again! Many mornings I woke up, utterly decided that today was going to be the day I walked from the company. I was so close and she knew it.

Well, I didn't walk. And I signed the contract.

On that day, I had the "I quit" speech all ready in my head. As I sat at my desk, somebody handed me my assignment for the day. It was a business article. I had to absorb a piece of news on some corporation's latest merger, research on the net for more information and produce a 2 page write up on the same day. Topic was dry as the desert.

Funny thing is, as I sat at my desk and went to work, I just got caught up with the process of writing and I felt peace. It didn't matter that the topic was boring as hell, I wanted to write it in an interesting angle, and come up with something comprehensible, not some shitty piece of work that just sounds intellectual but no one gets it in the end. Completing the article, I felt a sense of satisfaction. And boy, did I feel good when she-boss and her faithful assholic deputy read my article and gave their silent approval. It went straight to print.

And that was what happened everyday that I wanted to quit. It was one terrible day followed by a good day and things just weren't so bad anymore. But that wasn't the only thing that held me back. I spent whatever time I had left after work reflecting on myself. Yes, I do that all the time, its a specialty of mine actually. And I was secretly very worried about my own character. I was very, very afraid that I was deep-down, a serial job-hopper. What if.. the problem was really me?

Sure, she-boss had her anal moments, but who didn't? I was anal half the time too. I can be pretty demanding and stubborn as a mule. Everyday I left for a full hour's lunch I knew it pissed her off, but I did it anyway. But only because I felt entitled to it. The other stuff, well, they come with every other job. I was just being fussy and reluctant to leave my freedom behind. I realised I was always focusing on the negative aspects of the job, a trait which I knew if I couldn't rectify I would be unsuccesful in every and any thing I did.

So.. I told myself to step back and concentrate on the good stuff. And then, I started to feel more fulfilled and I was able to enjoy (no kidding) my job. Not all of it, that would be asking for the world, but most of it, I guess. She-boss may keep crazy hours but only because she is so hardworking and she cares about the work. I mean, when I think about it, would I want to work for a heck-cares boss? She also takes the effort to sit down with us to give us advice or constructive criticism (sometimes hard to swallow) which I do appreciate a lot, really. She wants us to be better writers and I am grateful to her for that.

One more great thing about her, she appreciates good work. She can be in a foul mood but when she reads something she likes, its like a storm cloud lifts off her head and all is good again. And so far, she seems to like what I write. She even gave me some rein to write on a topic I suggested. She gave me two working days and the weekend (I know, my weekend but I'm not counting..not really) to come up with a piece that will blow her away.

And what do I do? I spend the last hour writing this blog. Okay, so its summation time. Basically, the point I'm getting to is, that I believe I have found something I'm passionate about and not because everything is perfect and beautiful all the time. But because even in the bad times, the down times, I am still able to find something good and fulfilling to make it worthwhile. I really enjoy the process of writing a story and I want to get better and better at it. In my free time, I will either read or write ( I watch CSI and American Idol too) and so, yeah, I think this is it.

And writing? It isn't that easy. It requires a lot of research and some will-power too. We don't get to choose what we write. I had to write a whole bunch of stuff on the most boring topics in the world. And whatever we are given, even if its about aerodynamics or biomedical engineering, we have to learn, absorb, research and understand it then produce an article that is substantial and comprehensible. So it isn't always fun and games and going to spas or food-tasting at restaurants. It is a lot of hard work and brain-churning. And surprisingly, I like it.

Oh, right. And Happy Valentine's Day!!

Irrational

2009-02-02T00:50:00.001+08:00

I don't think men will ever understand how a woman feels when she's going through one of those days. All men know is that we're bitches when its "that time of the month". But they don't understand how much we're feeling and hurting inside. How every innocent quip sounds like a personal attack on us, even though we realise how ridiculous and irrational we are being in some sane corner at the back of our minds. How we are just so angry inside at everything especially ourselves and how ugly we feel. How we need to lock ourselves away to protect others from ourselves and to have some quiet time to heal. How the tears just keep rolling down our cheeks and we can't understand it ourselves but we can't stop it. Well, I'm going through one now and thank god I've gone through enough to understand myself well and to be able to comfort myself at a difficult time like this to just love myself and look forward to a new morning when I'll be back to my usual self, and be able to treat the people around me with more care.

To Give Thanks!

2009-01-26T17:15:00.000+08:00

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!! I'll have to say that one advantage of being a Chinese is we get to celebrate new year's twice in a year. Well, any excuse for a celebration, huh? But its a quiet new year's this year. Economy isn't looking good, and I'm not just talking bout my family(haha..not). Everyone seems to be having a hard time and all I read about in the papers are retrenchment, poor families' asking for help from the public, the heart-wrenching reenactment of the war in Gaza by Shahanaaz Habib, abuse of power and corruption.

And sometimes I think I should be more thankful with all that I have. I remember the times when I complained that the shower wasn't strong enough, there wasn't anything to eat! when there was bread, butter and eggs in the fridge, that my cardigan hasn't been ironed well enough.. and I really do think its time I started to count my blessings because there are some people in this world who were just born in the wrong place at the wrong time and they were never given a choice.. forget the choice for an education or a choice for what to do in life.. how bout just the choice to live?

I know I take a lot of things in my life for granted. I still do believe in the pursuit of happiness in my life rather than money or material possessions. But I should always be thankful that I had the fortune to always be able to choose. To have the opportunity to understand the importance of choice itself is something to be thankful for.

So the keyword this new year: Thanks. Just remember to give thanks.

2009 Resolutions

2008-12-29T21:15:00.000+08:00

New Year's is just round the corner and its time to make my resolutions once again. Resolutions are important to me because when I set it out properly in words, I work towards it through the year and usually, achieve it. Last year, I didn't set out any and so this year, I'm making an effort to make my resolutions.

1) To be less judgmental
2) To complain and criticize less, listen more
3) To concentrate on my career, work hard but stay humble
4) To eradicate GOSSIPING
5) To be firm towards family about financial matters
6) To work out at least once a week (work starts next week, I'm being practical)
7) To pick up 1 hobby (tennis/dance/something artsy)
8) To double my savings by end of 2009 (considering my measly savings, its not tough)
9) To work on my website
10) To work on writing a story, short or long, just get started
11) To be more patient and easy-going with family (basically, stay out of the shit unless I'm really, really, REALLY forced to be involved)
12) Date, for heaven's sake, just bloody hell date. I don't have to marry the guy!

And last of all,

13) Just be gentle to myself, love myself, accept myself and always work towards happiness rather than some other superficial goal.

2 more days to a new year..

Pay Your Own Rent

2008-12-29T20:50:00.000+08:00

There was a small achievement despite me going all nuts PMSing and all. The whole family finally got so sick of my bro being a jobless good-for-nothing that this time, that when he asked for 2 months rent that he was owing, we all said NO!! And he had to go borrow it from his friends. HAH! So now he HAS to find a job since he has to repay his friends and figure out how to pay next month's rent.

Now, I still give him some weekly allowance. But its really low so that he can only just afford 3 meals a day. If he buys cigarettes, he has to skip a meal. I'm so glad we don't stay together now cos I have so little patience, I can't have a decent conversation with him for longer than 5 minutes. I hate being a bitch but its total bullshit that I'm made to feel bad for not helping him when its him who's not helping himself.

PMS + conscience = self-destruction

2008-12-29T19:30:00.000+08:00

I feel pretty rotten right now cos I just came back from a snapping match with my brother. Two of my brothers are unemployed and what pisses me off is that whenever I try to advise them, they get stubborn and defensive, which makes me angry and I start to snap at them and then, they snap back at me. So I get the opposite effect in the end.

At times like these, I wonder why I even bother at all? Why do I make myself care when they themselves don't? Frankly, most of the time, I hate to bring it up. I tell myself that I can't give up, that I should encourage them because its best for them.. but shit, who made me this family's champion? I should just sit back and concentrate on myself. Heck, I haven't even started my new job or made a name for myself or even enough savings to support myself longer than 3 months.

Anyway, I get all riled up, they stay the same. I don't give a shit, they stay the same. So WHY DO I CARE??

I said some things today that really makes me feel rotten now. I keep going, why did I say that? why did I act like that? Why do I act like I'm so much better than them? And I am just so BLOODY SICK of my own conscience.

Lorraine Hahn Marries

2008-12-22T22:00:00.000+08:00

Lorraine Hahn, 40-something TV presenter and journalist got married with Michael Wang, a successful and distinguished-looking architect in November this year. What a great example of an independant, successful, smart and beautiful woman who doesn't settle for anything less than true love! Well, that's how I see her anyway. There's no doubt that Hahn is a gorgeous lady and I am so certain that she had dozens of admirers. But I bet she's one of those types who has a ball being single and just happened to fall in love so she had to give up her singlehood.

GIRL POWER, PEOPLE!! It's never too late to find love and we really shouldn't have to settle just to live up to society's expectations. We should all celebrate singlehood if that's where the winds of fate takes us. Lorraine, you go, girl!

Back Home & Hired

2008-12-22T21:30:00.001+08:00

Quite a lot has happened since I left my workplace. I came back to KL to attend a wedding and spend the week with my family. I was just casually looking through the papers when I saw an ad for a full-time writing position in a magazine publishing company. I called up the number and was asked to go to the office the next morning to do a writing test. I went with no expectations whatsoever and ended up spending 2 hours filling up pages of repetitive essay questions which frankly, got a little on my nerves. I kept thinking silently to myself that this had better be worth my time!

Well, it was. At the end of the test, I was told to wait as I was going to be interviewed by the boss! Anyway, to cut a long story short, the magazine company called me up in a couple of days and offered me the job. So I'm excited. And I had better make this work or mom will.. KICK MY ASS!!

So I went back to Singapore and spent my last 2 weeks exploring all the interesting tourist spots there. It was an awesome 2 weeks. I went to the zoo, night safari, Kusu Island, Mount Faber, Sentosa Island, Fort Canning Park and totally went nuts shopping in the city! It was definitely one of the best times I ever had and I was sorry to say goodbye to the country which had been my home for the last two and a half years. But I'll be back.. to shop!

Its been 2 weeks now since I've been back in KL and I am happier than ever. Its great to be reunited with my family. I know its only a matter of time when one of us ticks the other off and starts a screaming match, but hey, that's family! I did some minor redecorating of my room and set up the tv and internet. Everything is all set now and I'm just laying back enjoying the next two weeks til I start my new job.

Miss ya, Boss

2008-11-20T00:50:00.000+08:00

This Monday we had a department lunch as a farewell celebration to me. I didn't really think it was necessary since I haven't even been in this company for a year. I was hoping Boss wouldn't be there cos he always makes me nervous and I still felt a little guilty for leaving in a lurch. Fat chance. He was coming and that was that.

I expected a really uncomfortable lunch but it wasn't. Everything turned out really well and I even enjoyed myself. I guess I didn't have a cloud over my head since I was going to leave soon anyway. I think this is the first time Boss ever saw the candid side of me and I think he was surprised since I was always very reserved around him. I got the chance to chat with him when they made me sit next to him. He asked me some questions about myself and we joked quite a lot. I had a great time.

Later I bumped into my department head, and she told me that they had, at first, told Boss that he need not attend and that we would celebrate amongst ourselves (I wasn't pissed, I mean, why would he even bother about a junior staff who stayed, like, 2 seconds in the company? I actually agreed with her) but apparently he insisted to attend my farewell lunch. I just gave a nervous laugh to brush aside her comment. Well, what was I supposed to say to that? Then she said, yes, it's true, he really values you. He is a really sweet boss. It's the truth that he favours you and if he had a choice he would have kept you over all the other girls but you already have a job(a lie!). She said this grudgingly as she walked off cos I think she was still pissed that I resigned behind her back. Oops.

I'm going to miss Boss once I leave this place. I really like him and I guess I know that he always favoured me. But I never took advantage of that. I feel a little sad that I will probably never see him again. And sadder still, very soon we will start to forget each other as we move on with our separate lives.

Interview Process

2008-11-15T11:45:00.000+08:00

It's been 2 weeks since my resignation and I guess it was the right decision since I can't wait for my last day. I am COUNTING DOWN. I have only one more week to go and it already feels so long. This is the right decision, definitely.

That's if I still have a roof over my head next month. Job vacancies have been very slim since I started looking 3 weeks ago. All the time I'm wondering whether if my resume is good enough? Is my coverletter powerful enough? Am I good enough? Going through this whole process again reminds me of what I went through when I first started. I was really beginning to feel uncertain when I got a few calls last week.

I went for a couple of interviews and one turned out really well. The other left me feeling a little.. confused. When we got to discussing my salary, he tried to ask what I expected and I tried to turn the question around and asked him what was the salary range they were prepared to offer. It went to and fro for a bit and finally, I said I'll just let you know my current salary so we can start on something. Later he revealed the pay range. Well, apparently I would have to be prepared to take a 30% paycut if I were offered this position. And then he nicely wrapped up the interview saying he would advise me to hold on to my job since we are going through a financial crisis and it's not easy to find a job at these times. DO NOT play with my mind! Yeah, tell me I'm not suitable for the job but don't tell me to reconsider the life-changing decision I took weeks and months to make!

Sure recessions are difficult times but they are also times for opportunity. Anyway, experience has taught me to always believe in myself and I wouldn't be where I am today if I took to heart all the negative opinions given to me along the way. So, up yours!

Anyway I said, diplomatically, that sometimes that was the kind of sacrifice one would have to make to pursue one's dreams. Would I really take up the position? You know, frankly, I would. Because that is the kind of sacrifice I would make. It'll be tough going back to square one but I don't have a choice. I don't have a degree in journalism and I don't have any direct experience from that field. And I am no spring chicken either, no longer fresh from graduation.

Yes, I am trying to find a place for myself in the editorial/publishing sector. I believe I can find what I love there. I hope I'm right and I haven't been too naive to think there is a perfect job for me somewhere out there.

HEADLINES: I RESIGNED

2008-11-02T12:00:00.000+08:00

OH FUCK. I RESIGNED!! I haven't even told my mom. I guess I never did recover emotionally since I fell sick 2 weeks ago. I just felt so negative about going to work everyday. I think I finally cracked over last weekend and on Monday, I slipped Boss the dreaded letter. Da-da-da-DUMMMM..

I've been going over it in my head this whole week. Big boss was quite taken aback and asked if I had made up my mind. He said he felt regretful since he felt I had potential. And he said my performance this past year has been impressive and was wondering if I would reconsider? I told him I had already found another job. An utter lie. I lied to my hunky boss.

I know. Where the fuck are my brains? I quit without first finding another job? At a time like this? I don't have the guts to inform my mother. She'll have sleepless nights. What can I say? I am an impulsive, emotional, idealistic chick who's PMS-ing.

Look. At a time when the financial system is crumbling and the masses are holding on to their jobs for dear life, I'm going through a who-am-I phase and dramatically singing that I want to do what I love. And I work in a bank. Do I need any further validation that I am not suited to be an accountant? How much more impractical can I get?

HR asked me out for lunch yesterday and tried to sniff out why I'm leaving and whether I would reconsider my decision. Good question. Why am I leaving? I've been thinking over it this whole week.

1) No more compromise. It's not about the money. It's about a really short and unpredictable life and how I want to make the most of it every day, every hour, every minute.

2) Do I need another reason?

Do I feel even a tinge of regret over my decision? Admittedly, I do feel a tinge of regret. Choosing a different path in life means giving up the old one. I will never know who I might have been if I stick through with my career now. Who knows? I might be on my way to a high-flying post with a staff of 40 under me. Or who knows? I might be a washed-out, jaded, lowly officer passed over for promotions over and over again at 40.

Even more so, I feel afraid. I'm afraid I've been too rash. Afraid that it isn't them who's too negative. It's me who's too positive. And that it'll be me who's brought down to my knees, crying over spilt mik, months from now. I'm never one to regret my decisions... but I'm also one who never says never.

Scared but excited. That sums it up.

seoblogreviews

2008-11-01T22:00:00.002+08:00

I just received an email from seoblogreviews.com asking if I would be interested to get paid for doing reviews on a website. Here is the email I received from them:

Hello,I'm the webmaster of http://www.subliminal-tapes-self-improvement.com/ I wanted to know if by any chance you would be interested in doing an unbiased review of our site http://www.subliminal-tapes-self-improvement.com/ on your blog http://chick-a-lodeon.blogspot.com/If you agree you can choose between receiving a product sample or receiving a payment. If you choose the product sample instead of the payment the sample is yours to keep and you don’t need to send it back.The product sample that you can get is a subliminal mp3 and you can see it there:
http://www.subliminal-tapes-self-improvement.com/subliminal_tapes_self_improvement_online_catalog.html Please let me know if you are interested.
Thank youF. B
If you want to receive more paid review proposals, just click the following link: http://www.seoblogreviews.com/subscribe.py?param=c2973f628e89b3612744f75f9c777741
If you don't want to ever receive mails from us, just click the following link: http://www.seoblogreviews.com/unsubscribe.py?param=c2973f628e89b3612744f75f9c777741

Well, the word 'paid' got me interested so I clicked on the link to receive more paid review proposals and it led me to a form. It felt a little scammy to me so I did a quick google on the website and discovered several bloggers who have been approached by the same company. I suppose the most reliable source of information is to find out what other seasoned bloggers think about the company and how it went about its business. The consensus is that the whole affair sounds downright fishy and its just not worth the risk for the small amount of money they promise to pay.

Heck, who knows? Maybe the whole email was a scam for us to do a review on seoblogreviews.com... FOR FREE. Like what I'm doing now! Damn, they're sneaky. Hey, but a bad rep leads you nowhere so don't think you're too goddamn smart, Giovanni. Or whoever the hell you are.

Here are the links to the 2 blogs who got solicited by seoblogreviews:

http://hollyjahangiri.blogspot.com/search?q=seoblogreviews

http://jazz-journal.blogspot.com/search?q=seoblogreviews

Posted on 10 April 09: Seoblogreviews replied my email. If you're still interested then proceed to read more on my second posting Seoblogreviews II

No Cure To Dependant Bro

2008-10-18T16:30:00.000+08:00

What of my dear ol' bro? My dear ol' dependant bro and the countdown and all? He's gone back to KL. He had 2 months and he couldn't find a job. I gave him an ultimatum and a countdown and he couldn't be bothered, really. On and off I would get so pissed and I would run off on these speeches which have been in my head and he would temporarily try to please me and start looking through the papers and the net for work. And if there is one thing I hate is when people make me go into cycles and there is no improvement at the end of the day. Because after I go into a rampage and I settle down the next day, he would just go right back to being the lazy ass that he is. Bloody makes my blood boil.

You know, I have gone on and on til my voice is hoarse and I have come close to tears but I finally gave up, just bloody gave up on him on those last days he was here. I was up to my eyebrows with pent-up resentment and anger at how he just lounges around without guilt using up my blood-earned money and not even lifting a finger to offer to at least help with some housework. As fate would have it, or maybe it was God (I'm still not strong in the faith area), the Singapore customs told him that he had only 1 month left to stay here until which, he has to pack up and go back where he came from. Unless, of course, he got a job and a work permit.

Another ultimatum, another countdown and this time it wasn't from me. It was from the government. I was secretly elated. Two scenarios and I loved both. He either, got a job or got lost. Of course, being a good sister, I still wished him the best and I really hoped that he would feel pressured enough to find himself a job. I'm not a monster. So guess what he did? He lounged around like a lazy good-for-nothing until the last 10 days and started getting panicky. By this time I had run all out of sympathy.

Days passed and he started to get, it seemed, really upset and stressed. He said he was really worried but he couldn't find anything! 2 days left and I grabbed the papers from him. What the hell is so damn difficult to just find a job, any job for the time being? I scanned through and circled, easily, 7-8 jobs in half an hour. I said, call them and walk-in tomorrow. He told me the jobs were too menial but that he woud try. Lies, of course.

He didn't do shit the next day. It's then that I realised, it wasn't that there weren't any jobs. He wasn't prepared mentally to take up any. The truth is, I think, he all along planned to just fail to get anything because he couldn't handle actually working and making his own living.

The thing that pisses me off the most is that he sees how I go to work every day and knowing how much burden I have to bear, he doesn't see that as enough reason or encouragement to find a job and contribute to the family. The day he left, I let out a sigh of relief. YES! He is gone!

So he's gone back and living on an allowance I'm giving him. An allowance of RM70 per week. That's only enough to buy a person 3 meals a day. I know he will starve himself to buy cigarettes instead of food. And he probably can't afford to buy himself coffee or anything else. But that is exactly what I want him to learn. That in life, you make do with what you have and what you can afford. If you can't afford it, then you have to make sacrifices. The problem with him is that he wants others to make sacrifices so that he can afford to have the things that he wants. No more, bro. I am no longer giving in to your demands and you either grow up, make your own living or I leave you behind. Simple as that.

Career Crossroads

2008-10-18T15:30:00.000+08:00

As I have mentioned in my previous posts, I had put so much hard work and effort into my work only to be let down by my "mentor". Things were bleak for a while and all I could do was bury myself into my work and hope for the best. Then along came my dependant brother which brought up stress levels by 2 notches. We'll get to him later. Well, right now, I find myself faced with a strange situation, consisting of both good and bad. We shall start with the good.

A new mentor has emerged and taken me under her wing. She's the new head of department and she's taken a liking to me. 2 weeks ago, we received news that our bank had taken a hit during this financial crisis and there were rumours of retrenchment and resignations. So much so that the regional head had to hold a meeting and calm our fears saying that everything was under control and that we still had our jobs as long as we continued to perform. You know, he looked straight at me when he said that. He does that a lot lately. Just comes in and stares straight at me. Nerve-wracking.

Maybe they could sense that I was starting to crack under all that pressure. I was surprised when the head of department asked me out for lunch and told me that the bank really valued me. She said, that I was hardworking and well-liked by other departments even though I was quiet by nature. How she got to know this, I have no idea at all. She said that as someone who was new to the banking industry just 8 months ago, the responsibilities I was taking now was tremendous and that I could cope with these reports showed I had great potential. No man, I am not blowing my own horn. That is what she said to me. Honestly, lately, I have been getting lots of praises. Praises which should make me happy and proud but I don't know what to do with them. I don't even know if the praises are sincere because the corporate world is so full of shit.

And she told me that the regional head thinks highly of me and has said that I am one of his staff that he wants to "more than just keep". And she has assured me over and over again that I had nothing to worry about should there be any sort of retrenchment in the bank . My old "mentor" however got no such assurance and seems to be getting a little worried lately. She brought this on herself anyway.

While there are some things about the way she works that piss me off, we are still in great terms. And she has often told me that she felt I had lots of potential too and that I could one day run a department as long as I continued to work hard and achieve my CPA.

Well, thats a lot of praise, isn't it? I should be proud, shouldn't I? I guess I am. Why else would I repeat what everyone said here? So I have an ego, I'm not perfect. For once, I would like to indulge since I don't get praised often in my life. So what then is the bad? Even with all these praises and the promise of a much higher salary, I hate my job. Yes, I HATE MY JOB. The only, ONLY thing that keeps me going is my pay cheque and having to pay my bills. And now I am sick. And I think is it worth it at all? And I don't even want to think about getting up on Monday morning to go to work because it so nearly drives me crazy. I am a very very fine line from losing it and just not turning up at work for good. And I am dead serious.

I mean, just 8 months and I'm close to burning out. Already! All the praises in the world are not going to save me, I'm sorry. At most I could make it 1 year, that's it.

I want to do something that will make me jump out of bed with joy every morning. I look round my department and I see a roomful of jaded expressions and I am just NOT going to be going through this again in the next ten years of my life and then comfort myself that, sorry, this is the way it has to be.. this is real life, real life is being unhappy 80% of the time and there is no such thing as a job you love. Bullshit!

Why I am even here in the first place is because society thinks it is really prestigious to work in the fucking banking and finance industry and that there is more money here. But money isn't everything. And at some point in my life, I really have to say fuck the rest of the world, I'm going to do something that makes me happy even if I don't live in a big bungalow at the end of the day. I remember 8 years ago, gosh, it has really been that long, I was in the crossroads, having to choose the degree I was going to pursue, probably the decision to determine what I was going to do the rest of my life. And I wanted journalism. But I was discouraged from that because I was told that a good basic degree would be more practical and accounting was the way to go.

The same voices who gave me those advice are the ones with the jaded faces who think life sucks now. And I don't blame anyone, really. I don't regret what I've done with my life. I believe the best part of our lives is the journey to achieving something. Once we've achieved it, well, the magic's all gone.

So here I am. Very jaded. I hate what I do. I've seen what it means to move up the corporate ladder but it doesn't entice me. I am very afraid of change because we are in the midst of a recession and I am risking a good salary and a great position. But if I were to take away the external factor of what people perceive of me or how people judge me, then I would make the switch in a heartbeat. Do I have it in me to do just that?

Sick. No, really, I'm sick!

2008-10-18T12:00:00.001+08:00

I hate falling sick. I haven't really fallen sick for the past 4 years and suddenly I'm down with a viral infection. I've got spots all over my body and my lymph nodes behind my ears are swollen. According to the doctor, he doesn't know what it is but it should go away in a few days. He prescribed me paracetemol and lots of rest. That's what I hate about falling sick. 5 days off and all I can bring myself to do is sleep, sleep and sleep. Even now, the words seems like a chore and my head feels fuzzy.

I just went through 15 days of hell since I came back from 1 week's leave. It has just been the longest, busiest never-ending 15 days of my life. We had to complete month-end reporting and quarter-month reporting on top of all our other daily duties. And some asshole from above decided that we had to cram in training and discussions for some projects to automate certain accounting functions. But what really made me so pissed was that my 2 other team-mates went on MC for 2 days during PEAK PERIOD. That means that I had to cover 2, not 1, TWO people during peak period.

All I can say is, on the 15th day, I submitted my last report and went straight to the doctor's and came home with a viral infection. I kid you not. The body has the ability to "postpone" sickness in times of need. I was so bloody sick too but I had to hang on because who else was going to see all the reports through? Nobody in my team seems to have any sense of responsibility or ownership of their duties including my "mentor". Day by day, her light just glows dimmer and dimmer.

I mean, sure, she's a good friend. She took me to the doctors and all. But her work ethics, sheesh, terrible, just terrible. I don't care if she's got good knowledge in accounts, I hate the way she works. The quality of her work is getting so bad and sloppy. Its like she just doesn't care anymore, she just wants to go home at 6pm. She takes MC when she feels like it or when she wants to prove a point. I HATE THAT ATTITUDE.

And I just wonder, is it worth it working so goddamn hard that it makes me sick?

Project Me

2008-10-05T00:00:00.001+08:00

I haven't written a post for a month. Sometimes I don't know what's up with me. Friends have been leaving missed calls and worried smses on my phone asking me to bloody pick up the phone! At times I just want to cut myself away from the rest of the world. I guess I want to be left unaffected and uninfluenced by everybody because I need to learn and understand more about myself. Lately, I feel I need to start working on building something in my life that will make me feel closer to a complete person. I don't even know if that's possible. Can we truly ever accomplish something that could make us feel complete and utterly satisfied with our lives? I feel as if I am endlessly searching for something but I don't know what. And I hate it that other priorities like making a living being an accounts officer(what the fuck is that anyway? fat lot of contribution I make to society and the world), supporting my family(bro still here. still jobless. count-fucking-down my ass) and being a good daughter, ties me down like a trussed up duck. I don't have time for myself! I don't have a place to myself. Ah, stuff it.. I'm just going to go make myself a cup of coffee. And start working on my "projects". If they will ever materialise..

Countdown To Independance Day : Day 5

2008-09-01T22:30:00.001+08:00

Day 5 is over. There are 4 days left til a certain blood-related kin of mine gets his lazy butt kicked. Today I left work at 7pm and reached home around 8pm with dinner for two. *Knock* *Knock*. No one opens the door so I use the key. Bad sign. He is probably in the toilet. Which means he is hiding from me.

Door opens and I step in. Bad sign #2. The classifieds are spread all over his bed with my handphone and pen on it. Totally fake and arranged to look like he had been looking through the papers when I know he just laid it out 2 minutes before I got to the door. He probably heard my footsteps.

Computer on. Online game on. Clothes unused. Bed unmade. Nope. Not positive at all. He probably got out of bed in the evening around 6pm. Didn't do shit. Didn't go out at all. I knock on the bathroom door. "Hey, I didn't hear you come back. Anyway I need to get dressed and go out and get some cigarettes." Confirmed. He hasn't been out all day.

I didn't ask him anything about his job-hunting this time round. Well, that's what I told him this weekend. I said it was the last time I would warn him. After that, its just countdown to a shitty life for him.

I think he knows I mean business this time. Cos he tried to report to me about his "job-finding" but I couldn't even be bothered to comment or reply this time. Last week I was all oh, really? what job? where's the ad? you must call tomorrow. And you must ask...bla bla bla. Nonsense. Total head knocking against the wall, going round the mulberry bush, back to square 1 nonsense. I'm sick of it.

Work sucks. I come home and home sucks. Enough is enough. I just want some peace in those 2 hours before I go to bed. Well, really, I don't even have the mood to write tonight.

Bro, don't call me cruel. If you wore my shoes for a day, you would know how heavy the burden on my shoulders are. Then you would understand why I have to do what I do. Hurry up and snap out of it!

Dateline Is Friday

2008-08-31T16:30:00.000+08:00

Well, that's it. I've had it with him. If he's not going to get off his butt and get a proper job, that's too damned bad for him. Cos time's up. As I've told him from the beginning when he came down to live with me, I said I'm only giving you ONE month and after that, you're on your own. I don't think he understands how serious I am or what the consequences are since he has not shown any real signs of changing or attempting to discipline himself.

He is still sleeping during the day, waking up at night and having no progress whatsoever at finding a job. Whoa, big surprise.. since he doesn't bother to look through the papers or the net to apply for anything. And he spends the entire night playing his stupid online games.

My guess is he thinks I'll go soft at the end and continue to support him even after the month is up. Not a chance. I gave him my last warning last night. I said I'm going to be very busy this week. I won't have time to chase or nag after you each day and anyway it shouldn't just be me who is feeling pressured. You, should be the one feeling the pressure. This is the last time I'm going to say this and you better discipline yourself and find a job this week because by the end of it, everything is going to change. Nothing will be the same again.

What is going to change? First off, heck cares that he lives on one pack of cigarettes a day, I'm only going to buy him food. That is a budget of $6-$8 a day. Everything else is a luxury and he gets none since he hasn't lifted a finger to earn it. I'm also telling my mom not to give him any money since I know that's who he'll run to next.

Next luxury to cut off is the internet. My laptop, my connection. No using MY laptop or connection after 11pm since that's bedtime. Can't sleep at night? Too fucking bad. Go back to KL if he doesn't like it. We'll see how he deals with this new arrangement. He has until Friday.

Rotten Habits

2008-08-26T22:46:00.003+08:00

My brother has moved in with me temporarily. He is gnawing away at my nerves and I'm afraid that very soon I'll go *snap*. I just cannot understand the rotten habits that guy has. He has moved in not 3 weeks and he's got his clothes hanging on the wardrobe handles; his bed is a big freaking mess all the time; he doesn't take out the trash unless I tell him over and over to; he flicks the ash from his cigarettes into the sink and keeps the ashtray clean as a whistle (somebody explain this to me!); he doesn't leave the cabin, my cabin, not even to buy groceries or dinner cos he expects me to buy it; he sleeps when I'm at work and hogs the internet when I'm home; and I had to get all riled up before he agrees to turn off the lights and the laptop when I go to bed.

The worst part, he is living off me. I just cannot believe that guy. I have been repeating myself like a broken record about how burdened I feel, how much pressure I'm having and how he has to contribute soon and he bloody makes ONE phone call the whole of today to enquire about a walk-in position. I'll do it tomorrow, tomorrow, TO-freakin'-MORROW.. I am SO SICK of hearing TOMORROW!! Maybe that is exactly his problem. He doesn't realise that it is today that matters. We need to make the best of today. That sometimes we count ourselves lucky that we have tomorrow.

I don't know if I'm getting through to him. I can't peck at him all day telling him what time to wake up, what calls to make, what to say on the phone, how much time he's got left, wash that plate, clean that up, eat, look at the classifieds, get to bed.. gosh, he's my brother not my son! I can't come home everyday after a hard day's work and face this. I'm not married! I don't plan on having a family just yet.

Turbulence

2008-08-23T15:00:00.000+08:00

That's what I'm facing now at work. Turbulence. The new head of department is in and she is not nice. Of all the types of bosses I wished she could be, she turns out to be a player of politics and management's yes-man. Well, its been three weeks and that's what I've gathered so far. I may be a bit quick to judge and I hope I'm wrong. What's worse, she's at loggerheads with my mentor, S. That puts in in a bad spot, politically.

Talking about mentor, I'm having a rough patch with mine. Things seem to go in our favour after I was transferred under her. She promised she would train me and pass her knowledge to me and that I should stick it through with her no matter what. But guess what? With all the new responsibilities piled onto us which she confidently took on and assured me that she and I could handle, she started to sway under the pressure and workload. She refused to put in the extra hours and ran back again whining to management. Management gets pissed with her whining and labels her as 'stirring things up' in the office. They give her a rotten appraisal about a month ago which is a clear hint of 'please leave' and she comes to me and tells me she wants to quit.

This gets me SO pissed. It makes me second guess what her intentions were when she first asked me to join her. Did she really want to pass the mantle to me or simply wanted to take revenge on the other colleagues because they didn't get along? She told me the work wasn't tough but it was. It was tough and it was heavy. And she starts to backtrack that as checker she didn't entirely know the preparer's role but not to worry, hang in there, she says. Fine. I spent all those extra hours learning from scratch with the dateline looming on my head and I did it. I took all the crap and trash and embarassment from being told off by my colleagues for months to learn with the goal of being independant in the near future. And you know what? She sits on her checker's ass, complaining of her workload and tells me she wants to quit.

After creating a huge ruckus in our department, making me public enemy No.2 because I supported her, she wants to leave. Conveniently forgetting her phrase that she wants to "pass her knowledge to someone before she retires". She is so full of shit. I was naive and she is a great pretender. And she dares to ask me whether if I would follow her if she finds work elsewhere. Total bullcrap and her last attempt at saving herself from her fall from grace. Her light totally dimmed in my eyes then. Total lack of integrity and endurance.

Somewhere at the back of my mind, I really wanted to tell her off. Do you think my career is a joke? Do you think this is all about you? Do you realise what I have sacrificed and how much sweat and tears I have put in this job? In part, to support you! I don't have the luxury of getting up and moving on to another company like you do, especially at my career level now. And now you have put me in a mess socially and politically and you just leave because it is the easiest option open to you. Some mentor she turns out to be.

Without the rose tinted glasses, I start to see her flaws. She is just cynical about every damn thing. She considers herself the most knowledgable person and criticises everybody around her. She loves to complain and gossip, and her words are contradictory. She just has to win all the time. Fuck! I was so blind.

I am not going to pass the blame to her. I am to blame too. I admit I was ambitious and I chose to follow her lead. No use crying over spilt milk. What is left now? I have a shitload of crap work on my desk which I may have to return this weekend to finish up. But work is work. No matter what, I need to prove to management that I still put my work above all else. I am not going to bow down and quitting is NOT an option.

My next strategy is to:

1) Stop all that politics shite. I barely have time to lift my head and breathe with the work. And I am so GODDAMN SICK OF IT. Come Monday, I am going to tell her that I don't want to talk about work off hours anymore. I'm sick of her negative remarks and endless complaints.

2) Work like my life depends on it and get back into management's good books.

3) Find a way to subdue that other bitch I'm working closely with now and improve our working relationship.

4) Wait for my mentor to leave. Bye-bye, sayonara and good riddance.

Brillante Weblog Premio-2008

2008-08-23T01:45:00.001+08:00

Hey, Look it!! I was given an award by Superhero, the author of me and others. First off, a big THANK YOU to Superhero for giving me support and advice when the going gets rough. And another THANK YOU for presenting me with this award. It brightened up my day/week/months of endless mundane slogging at work. I'm so proud of it that I've embedded it on my blog!

I am surprised to be given this award. I started this blog as a personal diary. It was meant to be an avenue to release all the emotions I couldn't express in real life because of culture, upbringing or the environment. As I said, I am a repressed oriental. Self-explanatory. I wanted this blog to be the place where I could be the most honest with myself. Believe me, that is not easy. Not even as an anonymous writer. Why? 2 reasons. First, what if in the midst of being brutally honest about every damn thing, from(for solely exemplary purposes only) what a total ass-wipe my boss is, to whose husband my best friend is sleeping with.. and someone discovers my identity? I would have to take a boat to never-neverland and never come back.

Second, it is difficult to admit to myself, even in the privacy of my own ramblings, the person that I truly am. There are times I am so selfish, I am embarassed to even think it. And there are times I have such great fears that I wouldn't want to impose them on whomever may be reading this blog. It has become a habit to portray myself to the world as the person that I want to be or to be thought as. And that is why I feel I haven't really achieved what I intended to when I started this blog. Nevertheless, I still feel I've improved and healed as I wrote and I hope to one day be unrepressed and uninhibited enough to bare all.

Next a little history on how I started writing. I believe any writer must first and foremost be an avid reader. I love books. I am afraid to pick up a book because I know I can't put it down until I've finished it. In my early teens, I attempted to keep a diary many times but always ended up shredding it to pieces because I couldn't stand myself then. Ah, how I miss being an angsty teenager..NOT.

All through high school, I was the English teacher's pet and essays were my favourite homework. I once submitted a 15 page love-story for a weekly assignment. I don't think Miss bothered to read the whole thing. But she still gave me good marks.

Through my late teens and early twenties, I decided to keep a free-and-easy journal which meant I only contributed whenever I felt like it or needed some word-therapy. I guess the more I wrote, the more writing became natural to me. And then three years ago, I got my first laptop and before I knew it, I caught the blog bug.

I love writing, I really do. I think I may even have a.. passion for it. What else would explain me keeping this up for 3 years? Without someone pointing a gun to my head or offering me a salary for it, mind you. Anyway, I do take a lot of pleasure in receiving comments especially when someone tells me they identify with me or that they were in a similar situation. It makes me feel like, er.., my ramblings matter.

And now, I shall continue with the spirit of giving, and I award the Brillante Weblog Premio-2008 to... (drumroll)...

well, Superhero, back to you, of course. You write a great blog with far better insight and much more worthwhile content than mine will ever have.

and to The Beauty of Male by Ryan for accepting yourself just as you are and being so honest in your blog. And please do, award someone too!

Little Wee Bit Lonely

2008-08-04T10:10:00.000+08:00

At this point in my life, I feel relatively content. I have a proper place to live now. A place where I look forward to coming home to. It's so cool, it takes my breath away everytime I walk past the ship and the main building. It's just so gorgeous and I love it's history about how an admiral used to live here and the king and queen stayed as guests. There's a huge cactus near the lobby which is probably 100 years old at least. I just love it. The sense of adventure and everything!

My job seems promising at the moment. That's if I can keep up the good work performance and not do something totally idiotic (which I am known to do at times). I guess I am looking forward to the move to the city since I'll be meeting a whole new bunch of people plus.. there's a whole lot more guys there! Maybe I'll meet someone cute.. AND SINGLE!

The only problem I have now is that I'm feeling a wee bit lonely and I wish I had someone with me right here, right now. Sigh, but nothing is perfect and I just have to try and keep myself preoccupied with other things. Like making mash potatoes with cheese for dinner. Bon Apetit!

Work Is Looking Up

2008-08-04T10:00:00.000+08:00

I have been preoccupied with my work. Its been hard because ever since I've been transferred my responsibilities increased by twofold and the report that I had to learn from scratch is just so difficult for someone who is new to the banking industry. But I really worked hard and I'm so glad that my work is being appreciated by my boss.

I have to admit that I involved myself in some politics in order to be given the opportunity to learn some higher level work in my team. But after seizing the opportunity, I really worked my ass and brain off in those reports. I was no free-rider. That my colleagues are feeling so threatened now is because they know I am capable of working hard towards my goal. And all they are capable of is using lazy, under-handed methods like pretending to be busy with nothing and running to the boss with lies.

Happy to say that all this play of politics gave me the opportunity to shine and be noticed by the boss. He sent me an email to thank me for my efforts and said that I should be proud of myself as it was not an easy achievement. I think I can safely say that I do enjoy my work at this moment. I just really hate the way my colleagues are treating me. But the more they treat me like trash, the harder I want to work to beat them at the game.

A couple of changes on the way. We have a new head of dept and I'm just wondering how much of change will be coming our way soon. And also our dept is moving.. TO THE CITY!! We are being transferred to the head office in this swanky building with a view of the sea. Pros and cons I guess. I would feel more high-profile working there but I'm not too keen on having all the big bosses breathing down my neck. Urgh. Well, we'll see..

Mistress

2008-08-04T09:30:00.000+08:00

I met one of my best friends' boyfriend yesterday. We went for lunch, a movie and then coffee. It was quite a fun outing and I thought he was a nice guy but.. what can I say? He's a married man with kids and my girl friend is his mistress.

I think my outlook on relationships have really changed over the years. I used to have this Cinderella idea about love, men and marriage. But in real life there are just so many grey areas. There is no right or wrong. People all get married for the wrong reasons and so many couples are falling out of love.

I have advised my friend so many times that she shouldn't involve herself with her then married boyfriend but she continued to be in a relationship with him for 5 years. After which, he left her heartbroken, and subsequently, we received news a couple of months back that he had died of a stroke alone in his apartment. Life is a funny thing. Knowing this now, what would it matter if she had been with him? They would have only 2 more years together. Life is so fleeting maybe we should all be a little less judgemental and conservative about relationships.

Now she has moved on and to my chagrin, entered into a relationship with yet another married man! At first I was frustrated and I told her many times how I felt about her lack of discipline until she didn't dare to bring up the subject of her relationship when she was with us. Well, it's been 1 or 2 years, I've lost count and she is still with him. I realise now that being with him is her decision and she has to deal with whatever consequences that may come. Being her friend, I accept her decision and I refuse to be judgemental towards her actions and I hope I can be there for her as I've always been in the past.

Again, is there a wrong or a right in love? What comes first, love or marriage? Love should bring two people together. If a couple wants to seal their relationship with marriage, it is their choice. But marriage shouldn't be the reason to hold a couple together. Marriage isn't final. It is only a contract, a pact, which can be terminated with another contract. Marriage is only important when a couple wants to have children because it is a protection to both parties when someone wants out from the marriage. Who would take care of the children then? Children are expensive to raise and its a lifelong commitment.

I'm not saying that I support my friend on her decision to have a relationship with a married man for the sake of love. I just don't condone her actions the way I used to. There are too many grey areas in love. And all of us have different moral standards and beliefs towards relationships. Life is too short and fleeting to be so narrow0minded anyway.

Dependant Bros

2008-08-04T08:30:00.000+08:00

This time round I was tough. I said No! Enough is enough. Bros were asking me for money again but this time I gave them a timeline. I said, this is it! This is the last time I am supporting you and this is the last time I'm paying your goddamn rent and you guys better start planning on getting your life together cos you're gonna have to start being independant next month.

What a laugh. Baby girl of the family. Everytime I tell people that, they give me a knowing laugh and say, oh, you must be so spoilt! Forget it! I support the family. With my parents, its ok. My parents needed money to take care of us and its only natural that we should contribute once we are able to. For me, no questions asked, my money is my parent's money. They come first.

My brothers are a different story altogether. I mean I love them a lot but they have got to get off their butts and get on with their lives! I didn't have a head start. I had to work damn hard to get to where I am today and even now, the ball is just starting to roll. I have a long journey up ahead. Look at them. One's 34 and another's 32. They have been out of job for the past few years. Every month I have to give them hundreds of pocket money. This has been going on for years. But enough is enough. For the past few months, they started asking me to pay their rent! I mean, when's this going to stop?

What pisses me off is they think that because I make enough, I can cover their expenses too. Holy crap, then I guess I don't need savings huh? Maybe I should just work like a cow the rest of my life supporting them?

It probably is partly my fault that my bros are so dependant. Because I am very close to them, I give them money whenever they need it. Maybe in a way, I liked the idea of being the one who was strong, who held up the family. But I realise now that I have been so wrong. If I loved them enough, I wouldn't have made them dependant on me. I should have done then what I'm doing now. Give them an ultimatum.

In the long run, my supporting them would only break us up. I can still tolerate it now but what about 3 years, 5 years, 10 years down the road? I would grow to resent them for being a burden on me. What would be left of our brother-sister relationship? Also can I support them for the rest of our lives? What if my savings ran out when I'm 65? What are we going to do those remaining years? Live on the streets? And exactly what the heck kind of lives are they living now? Are they going to bloody lead the rest of their lives playing computer games til their 40, 50, 60?

If I really loved them, I wouldn't take the easy way out. I would tell them no! They would hate me now but I have to do it! Sometimes love is cruel. I want them to stand on their own two feet and feel the power of responsibility and independance. The feeling of having your life in your own hands and the freedom to do anything you want. To feel the happiness of being able to contribute and take care of others. The simple action of paying for a meal instead of always waiting for their little sister to pick up the bill. They have even stopped being embarassed by this.

So bros, don't hold it against me. I love you guys but it shouldn't be about the money. I think I have done my fair share. I wanted you guys to be ready in your own time but it seems like you will never be ready as long as I keep being your safety net. You guys are still young. You can still pick yourselves up and you have to. You guys are so smart and you could all be somewhere big if only you would just try and work hard. I am still waiting for the day when we can sit down over a nice meal and hold a conversation without any feelings of resentment or disappointment like we do now. I am waiting for you guys!

Crush

2008-08-02T01:14:00.000+08:00

I think I may have developed a crush on my boss. I felt some serious attraction the first time I met him which is really weird cos I seldom feel this way towards anybody. Although we've only spent time together with the rest of the department and only on several occasions, the more I get to know him, the nicer he seems each time. He is so nice!

Today we went for a company lunch and I was being "ignored" by the usual bunch of bitches. They were hogging the menus and acted like I wasn't even there. He made them pass the menu to me and said order your favourite. SO SWEET! And several times he deliberately called my name and started a conversation with me which made those biatches red-faced.. ha! ha! My boss is such a cool guy. And dang, his smile is so-oh-oh attractive.

How dangerous is this? To have a hot stuff for a boss. But he's not really HOT hot like Brad Pitt or buffed or anything. He's definitely good-looking but more in a nerdy sort of way. He's also really smart and a real gentleman. I really see how he takes cares of people's feelings whenever he tries to put his point across. Sigh.. he is so .. charming! This is so DANGEROUS!

Of course nothing can happen. He's happily married with kids. Why is that always the case? The guys that are great are married and those that come after me are total jackasses or desperadoes. Why? why?

Nobody Called

2008-08-01T15:00:00.000+08:00

Nobody called me. Fuckso suckso. Are they telling me I'm unattractive? Or worse, are they saying I'm.. COMMON!!! Just wait. Just wait til I get off my big fat ass and put together a professional portfolio. Just wait. Maybe they'll finally realise that a real gem slipped past their fingers.

Yeah.. most of us are disillusioned. It's hard to accept reality sometimes. Even when everybody gives it to you straight in the face. Well.. some lessons I've learned in life are:

1) Always believe in yourself
2) Don't make decisions based on people's opinions
3) No success comes without hard work

I'm not giving up.. I just need to move this BIG FAT ASS..

This Face

2008-07-14T10:30:00.000+08:00

I am having so much fun at my new place right now. I don't have to give a damn if I take a really long, hot shower. My previous landlord used to TURN OFF the heater while I was inside. The room is so much bigger and I can actually do stretches in my room. I have a microwave, water boiler and TV in my room. I couldn't be happier!! This place is so cool.

The only downside is the rental which is a huge jump from what I was previously paying. But it is SO worth it. I wish I could post pictures of my new home but if I do.. someone might find out who I am! And I have way too many secrets here.

Once I have fully settled down here, I am so going to pop open a bottle of red to celebrate my house-warming. Now that I've reached a new level of happiness, oh yes, I'm getting restless again. I always get like that.

The next bone I have to pick and I always have to pick at something..is my job. I don't hate my job. I worked my ass off to get here. And it is paying for everything I have here so I value it. But there is no way I could ever describe myself as waking up in happiness every morning, revving to get to work. Work has a lot of sucky moments. But come on..who?..who actually loves an accountancy job? Anybody who says yes, they do, go @#$% yourself and get real.

But then again, if a fairy godmother appeared in front of me and asked me to choose any dream job I would want.. I wouldn't know what to say. Up til now, I haven't really been exceptional in any particular field. I used to be someone who took up classes and got bored of it within 3 months.

But you know, what I can say is that I have a much better understanding and acceptance of who I am now. I don't have to be perfect anymore. I can try something and say "at least I tried" and be happy with myself.

What I'm trying to say is, I have my weekends. My manager has been asking me to take up my professional studies. Mom asked me to pick up a hobby. I looked up the horoscope and it says that now is the time for me to try that crazy something I've always wanted to try.

Whoop..fell asleep halfway through my thoughts.

Well, there is this something which I've always wanted to try out. I thought it'd be fun if I signed up for a talent agency. I'm not talented in anything but I do love arts. I love movies, music, drama.. who knows, I might find something in that huge, big entertainment industry. And if I don't, it'd still be fun. I have a bit of a pretty face, but I'm not disillusioned. I'm no Gong Li, Zhang Zhi Yi or Maggie Q.. but once in while, somebody comes along and asks me to go do something with this face.

I don't have the personality or obsession to be a beauty queen or model. I don't even know if I'm pretty enough. Likely I would have to get some part of my face done. I don't like make up and I don't really dress up. I'm an introvert most of the time and I hate crowded places. So why try at all in an industry that seems so completely wrong for me?

First off, life is really short. 27 going on 28. I'll be 30 in no time. What does life have in store for me? Well, most women start looking for a nice husband, get married, settle down and have kids. And they stay in their salary-paying mediocre jobs up til retirement, saving enough to get through the remaining years of their life comfortably.

That's not going to work for me. Life is TOO SHORT to be so mediocre. I need to push myself and live a crazy life before it all passes me by. This "pretty" face is not going to last forever..maybe another 5 or 10 years. Why don't I see if I can make something out of it? Whether I like it or not, I'm stuck with it. Maybe I can see if the world likes it.

Contact

2008-07-12T18:10:00.000+08:00

Got something to say to me? Drop me an email at repressedoriental@yahoo.com