Reevaluating My Life.. Again

How happy am I about my life now? Frankly, at times I feel it's okay. Then other times I feel it's turning to shits. I think I had two terrible blows recently that are kind of causing me to reevaluate myself, my personality, my life.. And I am just so sick of this shit! Gosh, how many times do I need to reevaluate my entire being?

For a while, when I was in Singapore, I thought I finally found myself. I felt stable, confident, I knew what I wanted and what I was capable of. And now, I find myself in another mess.

Where do I begin.. fuck, I know things are really going to shits when I'm even embarassed to talk about what's been going on in my life on my anonymous blog. Afraid to be judged.. on my anonymous blog? Maybe, I've been living my life in 2 layers. The outer layer, the facade that I show to the world and hope that I am, and the 2nd layer, the real me, the one I try to hide away.

Why the need for this charade? Why can't I just show who I am to the world, faults and all and be accepted for it? Maybe I'm afraid that I won't. Maybe, okay, I know, the truth is I am a judgmental person. I am afraid to be judged because of the way I judge others.. Yes, that makes sense.

This need to always better myself and the self-beating..I wonder when it stops? .. I met a person recently, and she is quite extraordinary, very dynamic.. she says to me, that before I receive love, I must first learn to love, and to love unconditionally. And that the elements that hinder us from happiness and success are ego, selfishness, being judgmental and the expectations of something in return for everything we do.

How true. Guilty, on all counts. And I just read a self-help article. It says that how I perceive myself, is how others will perceive of me. The way I think or live my life will attract the same energy back to me. So if I live it negatively, then I will attract negativity.

I want to be happy, I really do. But lately, my mind has just been drenched with negativity. About myself, my job, my relationships. Puts my head in a spin and I just give up thinking of a solution.

My job:
Left my short-lived job 2 months ago and this is the first time I'm posting about it. Didn't want to reveal it at first because.. well.. I guess I was ashamed. But fuck, shamed or not, secret or not, that's what happened and I can't run from it even if I deny it. I've been freelancing for the past 2 months. Yes, the jobs are coming in, I think I would have hit rockbottom without even a sliver of confidence left if it wasn't. So thank god, I am getting projects.

But I feel insecure. Friends have given me these reactions like I'm a quitter, some lazy bum who doesn't want to make her own living. They think I'm using free-lance as a cover up, some dumb shit lie I'm making up to deny my unemployment. That kind of hurts, and it puts me down.

Of course I do worry whether there is a future in this. I'm still relatively young to be working from home, although I do go out quite often to conduct interviews and reviews.

Now that I really think about it.. freelance is a choice I made. I had opportunities to get a full-time job. I CHOSE to go freelance. I don't know why I forget these things and start beating myself up. Even now, I could ask one of the companies I'm freelancing with and they would hire me. The reason: I wanted flexibility. I hate rude management. And I wanted more time for myself to start on my own personal projects. I want to write a book. I want to have time for hobbies, exercise and time with family. Coffee at home while I work on my next article.

If I could take away my worry of people's perception of what I did, I wouldn't be feeling like the dirt at the soles of my shoes right now.

My love life: I want to be loved, I really do. I'm still not in that big a hurry. But again, friends are all around me, talking, saying what the fuck is wrong with me that I'm still single.. why? why can't I be single? single and happy? single, happy and normal? why must there be something wrong with me if I'm single?? can't it be that I just haven't met him? or that I may never meet him but that's ok?

Honestly, there are times I have the desperate need to be loved. Now more than ever. And I do want to put myself out there. But NOT because I want to be "normal" by the standards of my so-called "friends". But because I feel that I am ready.

Friends: For some reason, I feel like shit everytime I speak to them lately. If I stick to the what goes round, comes round adage, then I'm a piece of shit. Am I a piece of shit??

Hahaha..

Anyway, this rant has been therapeutic. It always is and that's why I love writing. To end it all, I need to give myself hope:

My dear self,

What people think, it doesn't matter. You, look inside yourself and ask, what is it that you want? What do you really need right now?? Please go and achieve it. For yourself, and not for anybody else.

Write it down in words (not here, this posting is already too long). And then I ask you to break down those barriers in your mind. Forget who treats you wrong or right, who's selfish, who's judgmental, who's an ass.. YOU treat people right, you be selfless, you stop being a judgmental pig and you, for heaven's sake, learn to love and to love unconditionally.

Be gentle with yourself, be honest with yourself and express yourself. And I mean the true YOU. Take off that stupid mask, it doesn't work anymore. Be vulnerable, its okay.

And finally, get started on your articles, deadlines' tomorrow and you're starting to shit in your pants..

Love always,
Your kind self

American Idol Top 7 - Anoop Desai's eyebrows

Look into my eye... (brows), you will see... Anoop Desai gave a great performance this week for Top 7 Movie Themes Night when he sang Everything I do by Bryan Adams. Thank god he chose right song this time round instead of another fast number that will be painful to watch.

I hate to keep making jokes out of those fuzzy larvaes he cultivates on on his face, but I just can't stop myself. Ok, OKAY, this will be the last time (fingers crossed).

Well, as much as I make fun of him, I've said many times that I actually kinda like 'im. Cos he does have his magical moments. And he literally made me laugh til I had tears when he impersonated Kris Allen a couple of week ago (see pic)..Gosh..hahaha

A quick short take again on everyone:

Adam Lambert: Crossing cultures, genders and orientation, you are already a star. Think you've outgrown AI, my friend.

Danny Gokey: Still not feelin' you, Dawg..

Lil Rounds: Good, but not good enough. Nothing magical, and its clear to Simon(and me) that she will not be winning this show. Likely to be voted off next week along with Matt Giraud (judges have already used their save!)

Kris Allen: Really good, hardworking & nice guy. Got a future in show biz although not gonna win AI.

Allison Iraheta: Great voice, needs a few years to grow and be able to make a proper conversation without, "totally".."crazy..", "ohmigod.." and saying nothing in the end and pissing Ryan off.

Anoop Dawg: Somehow manages to be likeable and popular despite being a little over-confident at times. Ryan loves asking him questions to get his over-confident reactions.

Matt Giraud: Judges saved him because they KNOW who the winner is already and nothing changes that. So.. they retain him for one more week as some sort of a consolation prize. He is a good singer, no doubt. Worked hard, but just out shone. Likely to go out next week..along with Lil Rounds.

Susan Boyle - Britain's Got Talent

Another shocker on Britain's Got Talent! The 47-year old marmish looking Susan Boyle was teased and giggled by the crowd but ended up with a standing ovation!! She's like 2009's version of Paul Potts and Connie Talbot. Blowing audiences away unexpectedly with their amazing, raw talent. Todate, her clips on Youtube have been hit by more than 12 million viewers!

She sang "I dreamed a dream" from Les Miserables. Honestly, never heard that song myself but did a little look up after listening to her performance. And there couldn't be a more suitable song, it was so touching.

Singing about dreams gone by and wasted at youth. I mean, who can't identify with that? Read elsewhere in the news that America went crazy over the performance because they found it uplifting and inspirational, especially during the tough times they are going through now. Even Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher were moved to tears. This was shown from a video from ITM.

Great performance and absolutely inspirational!!

The final four - Adam Lambert, Danny Gokey, Allison Iraheta, Lil Rounds

The final four will be Adam Lambert, Danny Gokey, Allison Iraheta and Lil Rounds! I wanna talk about the final four that according to Votefortheworst.com has already been chosen by American Idol long ago, so all this voting off is pretty much nonsense. Its all a set up!

Don't know if this is true but I guess those four are the better singers of the lot. Although, if I had my way, the top four would be Adam Lambert, Danny Gokey, Anoop Desai and Allison Iraheta.

Adam Lambert : Let us not kid ourselves, fellow AI singers. He is in a whole different league and he's the winner. Without a doubt. Don't hit yourselves on your chest and ask why? why? why? He was born with that voice, end of story. On the other hand, after he wins, he'll have to cut an album that's original that'll sell and that is not easy. As far as I'm concerned, all winners have fallen flat after AI.

Danny Gokey : Loved him at the start but was just outshone by Adam. Also, for some reason I feel really tired after watching him sing.

Anoop Desai : Well, I like him. I really do. When he gets it right, its so good. Unfortunately, he chooses the stewpidest songs at times.

Allison Iraheta : Frankly I like Kris Allen way better than Allison but I had to choose her cos she's got a good voice.. can't deny that. But you know, I think likeability is really important on AI and alot of them don't seem to realise that. Lots of people watch intently on the way they react to the judges criticisms. So far, Adam, Danny and Anoop have reacted quite well and gentlemenly, in my eyes. That is a PLUS PLUS PLUS point for their ratings and votes. Allison.. sigh.. girl, you're annoying. Maybe cos she's so young too.

Lil Rounds : Boring and worse, a copycat. Judges hate that.

Matt : Copycat (NO!!) and lack personality (maybe he's shy). Also not chirpy enough.

Kris Allen : Most improved, tries the hardest, listens to judges and persistent. Like 'im.

Is Adam Lambert Gay?

Yes, he is.

http://www.google.com.my/search?hl=en&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&hs=si2&q=is+adam+lambert+gay&btnG=Search&meta=

Seoblogreviews Part II

Ok, so a lot of people seem to have been contacted by Seoblogreviews which is apparently some paid review company that keeps dropping emails into bloggers mailboxes asking them if they are interested to make some extra pocket money.

I made my first post on this end of last year when they first contacted me. During that time, seoblogreviews didn't even have a proper website and I was directed straight to an application form when I clicked on their link. Anyway, I replied and then I got a 2nd email from them FOUR months later. Hmmph.. someone needs a lesson in business. And here is what the email said:

Hello Repressed,

Thank you for subscribing to our blog reviews service.

We have started sending review requests and so we are contacting you.

While subscribing you mentioned that you would do a review only for a sample.

We wanted to know if in case we cannot send a sample would you be still willing to do the review for a payment.

If yes, please let us know how much you would charge.

Also please let us know which sites you have already reviewed for us, so that we can send you the details of the rest of the sites for review.

Looking forward to your response,

Wishes,

Yeah, it ended just like that..wishes.. *blank*. But on the email, the name was stated as J R. Previously it was F B. I did a little snooping around since I have some time on my hands and hey, whaddya know, they've put up a proper website now. And some bloggers have made some posts that they were paid or promised to be paid $10 per review but it has to be done via paypal.

My take on this: Why can't they just bloody sign off their emails properly, you know like
Sincerely,
Jason Reeds
Marketing Executive
Seoblogreviews

It's just not professional and has a real scammy feel to it. And I bloody well do not want to go through all that trouble and open a paypal account and put my confidential information up and then risk getting it all hacked into. Nope, not for $10 per 300 word review.

But then again, those of you who are interested and you already have a paypal account, why not? So far I haven't seen any bloggers posting up how they got ripped off big time by them. But I will say one thing. Isn't it easier to just apply to a proper company close to where you live and do proper freelance writing. At least you can be confident you would actually get paid (and way more) then go through this weird company that appears all scammy.